My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Stop the presses

My wife and I generally don’t have conversations any more. But on Friday night we needed to have one. Bottle of wine on the table, we spend 2 hours productively talking.

Being gay is not a choice. It’s who you are. It’s important for her to understand that. The one thing I can’t control. God knows I’ve tried. I’ve masked my own feelings for years. I explain how much I’ve grown to dislike how gay guys behave. The entire culture. How scared I am about what my life is going to be like. Fears for my family, the people I love. Yet the pull is there.

I’m done telling lies, done with the political defy of spinning a story. I hate that she is attractive, a willing sexual partner, she’s cool, a great mom, a great cook, a fantastic entertainer, a best friend. My eyes watering up, the odds of me finding a guy to replace her is gonna be like finding WMD in Iraq.

I wish I could be this “well of course I’m a fag” type of guy. The one who comes out at 20 without ever being with a guy. But I’m not. I’m in the gray zone and that’s just where I’ll always be. She’s happy, I’m finally being honest.

My company has asked me to go do a short term stint in Europe. This would get me out of the house in January for the 1st half of the year. I can tilt that whatever way I want. Peter is going to Utah to ski, I could sublet his apartment. Either way, our marriage as we know it is over.

“You need to stop looking”, my wife is telling me about my desire to find a relationship. “It’s going to find you, I know how you manage these things, just let it come to you.” She recognizes I’ve had 2 major conflicts. A mid-life crisis, if you will, and the sexual orientation. She urges me to treat each separately. I’m on it.

The new hell is about to begin. We’ve agreed to be friends, help & comfort each other. We’ll work thru the details. There’s no big hurry.

3 Comments

  1. I can’t imagine what you’re going through as it’s a situation completely different from mine but I feel as though your steps are measured and your thoughts even though unsure are sane.
    Take each day as it comes,mate and que sera sera.But don’t be a fatalist either. You’re the fighter kind.
    Keep truckking champ. It’s going to be difficult but it’ll be worth it.
    Serene Sunday to you.

  2. Will I came out to my wife when I was 56. We also tried to make “it” work, but after 2 years realized “it” wasn’t working and probably never would……so what to do. For one thing we have remained best friend, we always have been. Finances for us aren’t as good as yours (will I’m assuming this part) so we have to be careful. I’ve moved out….I’m lucky I’ve found the right guy. Oh there are rocky moments, that’s part of life, but I’m much happier now.
    Your wife is right…..he will find you…..sort of like how you found her.
    Keep blogging.
    Mark

  3. At times I wish or wonder if I should get married to a woman…to have a friend, a companion and a real partner. I doubt I will find that in the gay world..at least in sydney..men don’t wanna play that part.

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