After 6 weeks of slutting around in DuPont Circle, I’m done. I’m going home. I’ve canceled the lease on my apartment. Didn’t/don’t care what it costs. Gonna move back home to my mama in the next week. I’m going back to my comfy king size space age mattress. I’m gonna sit on the deck and drink wine with a nice meal each night. I’m gonna bitch about the deer eating my plants. I’m gonna yell at the kids for trying to tear down the house. And I’m gonna screw my wife silly. What I’m not gonna do is worry about guys any longer. Sorry boys, you’ve lost one to the other side, I was almost over the fence too.
Have I gone straight? Certainly not. But after some soul searching, I figured out I wasn’t 100% gay either. I’m kinda in between and I mean more direct in the middle. Now if you’re gay and we got together, you’d say, “the dude’s gay”. But I have a toggle switch (NO not that one!) and I just as easily switch gears. Peter & Paul have witnessed me morph back and forth.
The last weeks have been important. I’ve been floating free, able to do what I wanted to do without having to explain my actions. It was telling what I did and more so what I didn’t do. I realized I don’t care to hookup with someone I don’t have some emotional connection with. I awoke to the absurdity of a 46 year old chasing under 30 year old guys, however much fun it was. That sex with a guy isn’t that much better (and in fact much more complicated) than with a women.
Reading one of my own blog entries, I knew what I wanted more than anything else in life was to find someone who understood me. That person exists, and I’ve been married to her for 15 years, my wife. It was her understanding that allowed me to flow out of the home, she knew better than me, I’d be back.
I’m comfortable with a bi- tag. If my wife died tomorrow, it might well be a coin toss as to what direction I’d go. But I like a monogamous & caring relationship and right now that’s with a women. Sure, I’ll flirt with a cute guy, that’s not going to stop, but like an invisible dog fence, I know my boundaries, beyond which I cannot travel.
So back into the closet I go, though this time I’m bringing a night light.