Gay Pride parade yesterday. I arrange to meet Stewart, who I haven’t seen in ages. I don’t have many friends in this new world, he’s happy I called. After a bit, I’m not content to stand and watch the parade go by, I have to go to it. I leave Stewart and begin walking the parade route.
Walking, Eduardo is now dead ahead. He had last sent me a text msg on Thursday night, I hadn’t replied, I wanted him to call. “Hi!” He’s with his group of friends that I recognize plus a new & attractive girl. He introduces me and then asks when I’m moving into my apartment. “Two weeks”, I reply.
The mood though is awkward. I’ve ambushed him. I move away from the group. I look over wishing he’d come over to chat for a minute. He doesn’t. I watch the parade. 10 minutes later they’re gone, disappearing into the crowd.
Later that night, I text Eduardo that I’m confused but still like him and if he doesn’t want to see me anymore, it’s simple – just don’t reply. I’ll vanish, poof. I don’t get a reply.
“WTF did you do that for?”, my mobile speaker vibrates, Peter is screaming at me. “You are total rank amateur, now you’re coming off as needy, no one likes needy. You’re pushing for a decision. Maybe Eduardo is waiting for you to get into your own apartment. Maybe he’s cautious. Maybe he’s in the middle of another relationship. Maybe he’s got 5 other guys chasing him around and deciding what do to do. Now there is no hope”, he hisses.
Hope may well be eternal, but being decisive is part of my DNA. I don’t like gray areas. Hope is initially ambiguous but it ultimately ends up being a yes or no and I, unfortunately, want to know now. Do I hope to see Eduardo again, well yes, the pull is still there. But for right now the answer is no and I’m happy with that. My propellers turn.