Peter fixed me a good-bye dinner last night. “I’m going to miss you”, he tells me. His GF and I have both become a bit concerned over how much he likes to go to the gay bars with me. I guess it’s kinda of an ego boast for a straight guy (or partially thereof) to get hit on or eyed by another guy and not just admiring their watch. Peter allowed some guy at the Bebar to really chase him.
I had an early morning appointment so I motored out to the ‘burbs after dinner. Back to “home base”. House was dark, all systems shut down, no city noise, absolute silence. I putter around firing everything back up and then climb into the bed. I’m happy to be home, a certain peace comes over me. What a contrast to the last couple of weeks.
I look at a lot of couples and wonder are they really happy? Or are they placating themselves because they’re too scared of the unknown or the fear of being alone. I guess we all make compromises in our life, some good, some not so good, but life continues.
Reflecting back, am I running home to mama because some bad gay person said something ugly to me and tainted me from thinking I could ever find total happiness with a gay skin. Did I give this enough time? For me? No. I recognized I have a pretty Wonderful Life and I could never visualize living life as a gay man. I’m stuck though with a bi-tag, I can’t undo what I’ve done nor who I am or the desires that sometimes will crop up. Just gonna have to deal with it.
Lufthansa winging the family here as I speak. Got to straighten up the house. I leave a total mess in my wake, should stay only in 1 room. I’m gonna enjoy getting yelled at for the first time. 🙂