My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Email to my Chicago friend

My Chicago gay friend sent me a heartful note, here is my response to him, thought I would share

Tim – first, I very much appreciate your taking the time to read my blog history, for the most part, it’s truthful to what went down. The fact is I need someone on the other side who I’m not involved with telling me the truth.

I want a f*cking answer. I’d pay any amount of money to have it made for me. I went to therapy hoping they would answer it or help me answer the question. I wanted my wife to answer it, but she won’t either. Days I think it’s all under control. Then I hate myself for either having it under control or not having it under control. The good news is I’ve been good since moving back home, but that’s simply because the opportunity hasn’t turned up that passes my sniff test.

I wish my wife were some overweight, controlling bitch or that my home life was miserable. The fact is between Peter and Paul, I have to keep a gun handy, my wife is very attractive and attentive to my every need. The last blow up BTW, I didn’t write in the blog, she found those packs of condoms I had gotten at the Chicago night when we went out. Why did I keep them? No idea. OK – so I kept them "just in case".  She blew up, she cried, but she hasn’t thrown me out. The fact is she loves me, I not sure I even know what love is anymore, so I am indeed in the twilight zone. I can’t remember if sex was super hot, I think it was in the very early days, but frankly, I get bored with sex with women pretty quick (last girlfriend used to have to chase me around).

I easily refer to my family & wife with business associates. "Yes my wife and I bla bla bla". I fit into the hetroworld. I don’t know how I’d handle "my partner and I" discussions the funny looks and the inevitable discrimination that follows. Sure people who are your friends, are still your friends. I look at gay guys together out for dinner and I find it disgusting. Get them naked on xtube going at it and it’s hot. So I’m living both sides, and it ain’t no fun.

I’m not sure what my own sexual needs are. Am I even happy? Frankly I couldn’t fathom being with a guy near my age and my history shows I’m usually shopping down the fresh food aisle. The train attendant yesterday, I was wetting my lips in anticipation, god help me we didn’t both get off at the same station. I was surprised how charming I could be even in German. But is this nothing but light snacks that I get tired of.
I agree with you. I can’t do the sex NSA thing. I like to get to know someone, take’em to dinner.  I had thought all the gay guys were pretty fickle, but I watch Peter dealing with women and realize all relationships are all fickle. The reality is I fucking got on a plane, flew to Mexico to sleep with a young guy (damn Mexicans again), planned it all out. Then I went out and did it numerous other times. This wasn’t a "I got drunk and Billy sucked my dick" kinda of story, this is German precision planning. So what does that mean?  Once a cocksucker ….

I like my nice little married life but the sex doesn’t do it for me. Maybe I’m putting too much emphasis on sex. But I purr like a kitten (with the occassional growl) with the right guy. So where is my wife? Doesn’t she deserve a loving husband with a fulfilled sexual relationship. Instead she’s got a cheating husband whose mind wanders to young guys and gay porn. I like analogies, but this isn’t a job change, it’s a total phase change. I want a roadmap, a guide,  I want peace but I can’t seem to find it.

I feel like a serial killer, I know it’s wrong, but I still do it.

6 Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing. I’m with you on this one, except I can get into NSA sex with guys and I haven’t told my wife.
    Your last paragraph almost describes me as well – my wife certainly deserves better from me, too.
    Good luck as you work through this. If you find the guide, send me a copy…

  2. Our wives do deserve better and everytime I border on lets make believe it isn’t really happening, I try to remember being honest with her.
    The problem, to me at least,is that there is the sex with men and it is awesome but there is more. The other night after great sex and a quick dinner my friend crashed and we actually slept and sharing the bed and feeling his warmth was special.
    I have spent a little over two years now trying to answer these questions and it is in a way good that I cannot go in reverse because many days I would.
    No easy answers. Good luck (and sorry for going on so long).

  3. oh man yours reads like mine, yes she does deserve better, yes there are times i wish i could go back two years and clear that damn computer after using it, but things happen for a reason and i guess it was time, just wish i could move forward, is it fear, fear of all the people that know me for the facade that i have put on all these years, fear of them finding out what a liar i have been, its getting close, just not quite ready to make the jump yet….don’t know what i am waiting for, not getting any younger and it gay years i am close to death anyways…….and like john said, if you find the guide on this send me a copy too

  4. Having your cake and eating it too. You beat yourself up a lot.
    Sit down and decide what it is that really makes you feel complete. How do you know if you even want a gay relationship. You’ve never been with a man for more than one night. Hard to judge your true feelings that way.
    My guess is that at the heart of matters your probably very self centered. You call it “sure of yourself” but maybe it’s masking the need not to always have the answers.
    Go find the train attendent, move him into your hotel for a week. See if after the first flush of mad sex waking up with another man makes sense.

  5. Your wife must be head over heels for you. She knows about alot of this and hasn’t filed for divorce yet? Maybe she just doesn’t know what to do or is too comfortable with the status quo.
    We gradually become more comfortable with the sexuality we have been resisting. At some point the break will come for both of you.

  6. “Frankly I couldn’t fathom being with a guy near my age and my history shows I’m usually shopping down the fresh food aisle.”
    Interesting….why is this? Why are gay guys so put off by guys over 35? Always seeking out the young ones. I’ve never had sex with a guy over 40…..and that’s wrong. It’s wrong discriminate against someone like yourself. There are many guys even in their 50’s who are in great shape, and friends have told me some of the best sex they’ve ever had has been with older guys.
    So why won’t I try it?

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