My Chicago gay friend sent me a heartful note, here is my response to him, thought I would share
Tim – first, I very much appreciate your taking the time to read my blog history, for the most part, it’s truthful to what went down. The fact is I need someone on the other side who I’m not involved with telling me the truth.
I want a f*cking answer. I’d pay any amount of money to have it made for me. I went to therapy hoping they would answer it or help me answer the question. I wanted my wife to answer it, but she won’t either. Days I think it’s all under control. Then I hate myself for either having it under control or not having it under control. The good news is I’ve been good since moving back home, but that’s simply because the opportunity hasn’t turned up that passes my sniff test.
I wish my wife were some overweight, controlling bitch or that my home life was miserable. The fact is between Peter and Paul, I have to keep a gun handy, my wife is very attractive and attentive to my every need. The last blow up BTW, I didn’t write in the blog, she found those packs of condoms I had gotten at the Chicago night when we went out. Why did I keep them? No idea. OK – so I kept them "just in case". She blew up, she cried, but she hasn’t thrown me out. The fact is she loves me, I not sure I even know what love is anymore, so I am indeed in the twilight zone. I can’t remember if sex was super hot, I think it was in the very early days, but frankly, I get bored with sex with women pretty quick (last girlfriend used to have to chase me around).
I easily refer to my family & wife with business associates. "Yes my wife and I bla bla bla". I fit into the hetroworld. I don’t know how I’d handle "my partner and I" discussions the funny looks and the inevitable discrimination that follows. Sure people who are your friends, are still your friends. I look at gay guys together out for dinner and I find it disgusting. Get them naked on xtube going at it and it’s hot. So I’m living both sides, and it ain’t no fun.
I’m not sure what my own sexual needs are. Am I even happy? Frankly I couldn’t fathom being with a guy near my age and my history shows I’m usually shopping down the fresh food aisle. The train attendant yesterday, I was wetting my lips in anticipation, god help me we didn’t both get off at the same station. I was surprised how charming I could be even in German. But is this nothing but light snacks that I get tired of.
I agree with you. I can’t do the sex NSA thing. I like to get to know someone, take’em to dinner. I had thought all the gay guys were pretty fickle, but I watch Peter dealing with women and realize all relationships are all fickle. The reality is I fucking got on a plane, flew to Mexico to sleep with a young guy (damn Mexicans again), planned it all out. Then I went out and did it numerous other times. This wasn’t a "I got drunk and Billy sucked my dick" kinda of story, this is German precision planning. So what does that mean? Once a cocksucker ….
I like my nice little married life but the sex doesn’t do it for me. Maybe I’m putting too much emphasis on sex. But I purr like a kitten (with the occassional growl) with the right guy. So where is my wife? Doesn’t she deserve a loving husband with a fulfilled sexual relationship. Instead she’s got a cheating husband whose mind wanders to young guys and gay porn. I like analogies, but this isn’t a job change, it’s a total phase change. I want a roadmap, a guide, I want peace but I can’t seem to find it.
I feel like a serial killer, I know it’s wrong, but I still do it.