My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Back to the beginning

TC and I are now in Cologne, Germany. We’re staying in the same hotel where we first slept together. We had a beer in the gay bar we first really chatted last night. How ironic.

Folks – just wait. There’s going to be tears soon when he leaves. TC and I now talking about extending his stay with me to 3 weeks. This is going to be hard on both of us. But that’s not the topic of today’s posting.

TC is telling me last night about Roberto, a cute bartender TC’s age that I always found attractive and works in TC’s London bar. Well Roberto is telling TC about how his boyfriend “fisted” him for the first time the other night and how much he enjoyed it.

Now why someone would tell you about this sexual activity is beyond me.  But TC and I struggling with the act itself, how particularly extreme and for such a young guy. I’m all for keeping things sexually interesting  between two people and if both parties agree and no one gets hurt, well then go for it. BUT fisting a 23 year old?

Roberto is quite sweet but what level of previous sexual activity had he reached to have to be “fisted” now to get enjoyment? TC shakes his head. It explains to me why TC so often holds himself back, he knows how ugly gay guys can get.

I write about this for the newbies, me included. I’m simply amazed and shocked. Walking around Cologne, the many sex shops, leather, toys, dildos of all sizes (and I mean ALL sizes) and things I have to stop and ask “what do you do with that”. I wonder about the extreme nature some guys go to enjoy sex.

A year ago, I was living life in the suburbs, mowing my grass, holding court at my dinner table each night. Blissfully unaware of the depth of the gay sexual scene. I can believe an entire sector of gay guys who simply disappear from the scene, scared of what they’ve witnessed, worried they might fall victim to, alone in the world.

I’m making a judgement. A judgement not whether that’s right or wrong. But a judgement that’s not the behaviour I want for myself or the person I’m with. Our Gay 101 class shall continue.


  1. Chris,
    Sexual flavours are different for everyone. I can’t say that “fisting” is something I want to experience…’s not to say that I’m not up for trying different things. It’s just that I will have to have a degree of certainty that whatever it is will be in my range of comfort.

  2. hey buddy. You’ve come a long way in a year! Good for you….

  3. Chris, I know what you’re talking about. My friend Evan took me to a sex shop about this time last year and to say I was gob-smacked is an understatement!!! I am all for trying new stuff, but there’s a limit to how extreme I am prepared to go. It is a personal decision for everyone and as you said, you can’t judge someone in that respect. But it is certainly an eye-opener for newbies like us! 🙂

  4. Chris, I think that this can be a problem for all of us guys who got married, had kids and played straight for many years. I did this till last year when I was 54. I have friend who was exploring his gayness in his twenties back in the late 70s. He says that he was scared straight by what he saw once in a bath house.
    After watching someone having anal sex with strangers 15 times in a row, he thought OMG am I going to end up like that?
    He married and at 46 he realized the missing need to love and be loved by a guy had been the cause of his anger and depression for decades. Beyond the “Ewww” factor of what some gay guys want, it is this part of sexuality that has driven me to take what feels like a risk of ruining my whole life. I need to love and by loved by a guy. Sex is the dessert, intimacy is the meal.
    I love your writing, Denis

  5. Chris
    your journey sure is interesting – and there is no one true path for we married bi men. Nevertheless the variances in the bi-gay world do not appear to me to be as easily replicated in the str8 world. Embrace the diversity even in you do not need to partake in all of it.

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