My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

You be the judge (I’ll be the jury)

I’m not happy with something. Not sure whether I’m in full drama queen mode or just worn to a nub. In any event, I am and here it is.

My wife with kids in tow has returned to her home country of Germany each year for 4-6 weeks to see family and friends. In better years, frequent flyer points paid the way, now poverty stricken and an empty flyer account, I simply forked over cash for tickets. This summer of 2010 being no different. Off into the skies they went.  I understand and it’s good for kids to see their extended family as well. All good.

But. My oldest son, due to a school project, is staying behind for the first 2 weeks and I’m baby sitting or teen age sitting as is the case. Last night, I was playing chauffeur and driving him to a friends, his mother had called that day, I asked what they’re up to, hoping they’re having a good time. He replied that they and Mr. XXXX had gone on a day trip to some village. As the single sentence emerged from his mouth, he quickly turned to peer out the window, he had told me something I wasn’t supposed to know. Mr. XXXX is the useless  government contractor Ph.d my wife is dating.

Rage is an understatement. I clearly have had my share of secrets. But for the last 2 years, I’ve played open handed with my wife. We operate joint finances. I pay all the bills, ask no questions, she needed a car, I bought one. Something happens, I’m there. She’s met TC and I’ve told her exactly what I’m doing to support him. It’s trying times for me on many fronts, but I figured with solidarity, we’d weather through it.

Now I see she has not fully disclosed her planned activities for this European trip. Worse still, she likely swore the kids not to tell me that Mr. XXXX was going. Ooops. So there they all are, staying at her mother’s house, enjoying the good life. I’m here straightening out the garage, making home repairs.

I try to contain my emotions. Apply some logic. (1) Does she have any obligation to tell me what she’s doing? What she does now is none of my business. (2) How would I have reacted had she told me this beforehand? Would have been a nice courtesy. (3) Maybe she didn’t want me to get all excited. Best if I didn’t know. (4) Try to keep it a secret and hope to get away with it. The default option we all seem to be on.

This elderly Phd fuck boyfriend sits in my house, drinks my wine, fucks my wife and I pay the tab.  Maybe it’s time I stepped up the game on these two love birds. Old man can marry my wife and pick up the financial obligation associated with it, is my opinion.

My biggest concern is she has asked my children not to tell me certain things. Everyone is due their privacy. But in these trying times, I hoped we were still operating as partners. Clearly not. Another lesson learned. You are alone. Make decisions for yourself. Remember no good deed goes unpunished.


  1. The truth is, what she is doing and who she is doing it with is none of your business. While I can understand it is uncomfortable for you that she did not tell you, I think “rage” is an overreaction. Maybe she knows how you feel about him and did not want to hear any crap from you that he was going.

    You probably need to just relax on this one

  2. She’s a bitch. Maybe you can divorce her on infedility charges.

  3. Chris: It sounds like your frustration comes from feeling like you are being taken advantage of, which seems like a valid feeling. To alleviate some of this, perhaps it is time to have a discussion with your wife to talk about boundaries. You seem like a “fix-it” kind of guy, so what’s holding you back? Don’t do it out of spite, but if this is going to be the start of your separation phase, I think it’s good for your relationship with TC — IMHO you should offer him a clear path for what a future with you will look like, give him hope that you will be the one that he wants a stable future with.

  4. This is a tricky one. Are you mad that she did not tell you? is Mr XXX paying his own way?? What if the tables were turned? you have a good relationship with your wife so do not fuck it up too much! Kids are involved etc

  5. I agree with Single Guy. You have a good relationship with the soon to be future Mrs. X. You may not like PHD but clearly she does…..he’s in her life now. It would appear that she accommodates you and TC, shouldn’t you give her the same courtesy.

  6. First time reader

    July 30, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    First time reader here. Man, I really don’t understand where you’re coming from here. In one of your older posts, you wrote about messed up people in the gay community. While I do not agree that men in the gay community are any worse than men in general, I’ll work from your assumption. You really need to look at yourself here as a person with some major issues. For 15 years your marriage was based upon lies. You are doing all you can to be happy yourself. On July 25 you even argued against rushing your divorce. Whether same-sex marriage is legal or not is irrelevant to the fact that you took up the better part of your wife’s adult life with your lies. Your situation including her lies and you paying her way has been your decision. If you hadn’t have married her, you would not be in this situation. In reality, you owe her. In our society, women make many more sacrifices than men do in when they get married. To be enraged because your wife has the gall to try to be happy, when for years she thought she could be with you, is probably the most selfish thing I have ever heard. If you don’t like the situation, get a divorce and give her a fair settlement. Otherwise, you made your bed, lie in it.

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