My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Worry (part 2)

While I’ve been “‘worrying”, Scrappy and I took off to Tokyo for a week.  This was my first time to really be able to explore Japan. It’s an insulated place, 97% of the population is Japanese natives (2% Korean and 1% everything else). It’s nearly impossible to become a naturalized citizen. Japan, though, is the source of nearly all trends, the headwaters of fashion, technology and what we will like in years to come. I monitor Japan closely.

Unfortunately, Scrappy and I argued most of the trip. Despite being brown, Scrappy fits in well with hipster Japanese scene. In most other countries, he turns heads based upon his hair and dress. In Japan, no one paid the least attention, in fact, he was just one other crazy young guy wandering the streets. He had a good time and so did I. But we argued.

What are we arguing about? I thought long and hard about what was the root issue here. The issue is control. I am organized and rarely start to move on anything without having a plan. Life unfolds to me as I have designed it. Scrappy is passive, he allows life to come to him. Point in case, I hate getting lost and thank god I have my handy fag phone with GPS. Scrappy is lost most of the time and is content with this mode.

Scrappy likes that I plan a framework for the day, we’ll go here in the morning, lunch around here and afternoon there. I’ve got all the subway stations figured out and major points along the way. I’m happy to deviate off this plan if something else interesting wanders by, but I walk out the door with a plan.

I like being in charge and Scrappy, like Toto, is happy riding in my bicycle basket. The rub is Scrappy will complain if my plan is in fact a bad plan. “Why did you pick this restaurant?” “That was a waste of time!” “Didn’t you check this out  before we left?” Suddenly he can become a critic.

In business, I want to fire any employee who complains without a solution. Bitching is easy. I welcome him to come up with a plan even going so far as to offer to detail plan his vague plan. Unfortunately, the second rub appears. Developing a plan is work and deep down he’s just lazy, he will take a short cut if one is presented 100% of the time.

The lazy element conflicts deeply with my Germanic roots and someone who has been working since they were 12. I’m not a perfectionist, but there are few jobs that are beneath me if they need to get done. These two base elements are like sandpaper in our relationship, constantly surfacing, constantly wearing the edges down. We tire each other, one wanting the other to relax and one wanting the other to get their act together. It’s a battle neither of us can win.

Note: Picture of Mt. Fuji on departure


  1. As you know, many men fight their sexuality. It’s a battle they cannot win yet they fight long and hard and suffer badly. A few even self-destruct. Some fight for months, others for decades. I’m sure more than a few drop dead from natural causes before their interior battle is resolved. But most men eventually arrive at a place of acceptance. They come to know that they cannot change and that the fighting doesn’t help (all it does is add to the misery), so they capitulate and accept themselves for who they are. What happens soon after? They’re much happier.

    You are who you are. Scrappy is who he is. Neither of your basic qualities will ever change. The fighting doesn’t accomplish anything. All it does is make you both unhappy. You really have no choice: either you eventually self-destruct as a couple OR you accept each other for who you are. Often, acceptance can’t happen until the desire to fight is exhausted. That might apply to one or both of you. If it does, then you just need to know that fighting is the slow road to compromise and acceptance. It might be a long journey but at least it leads to a happy ending.

  2. I have been trying to catch up with your very interesting blog, got to the point in your first year with TC when you two questioned if there was a future after he had to go back to Toronto. I was surprised to read that your concerns about the relationship were very much the same as they are today (5 years later).

    But then I looked back at my 5 year relationship which also had many moments of joy and moments of hell and I realized that you might have been experiencing my problem of wondering if there could be anyone better than my friend, but afraid to let him go to find out. I had an amazing connection with him and when we were together fooling around I was on top of the world, but when we were apart and I was trying to get him to be a better friend, he didn’t make the effort, just frustrated me no end!

    My situation was very different in the fact that it was a DL relationship behind my wife’s back. But there was that feeling that it was right in many ways. So I don’t know what the solution is, and I can see you not being willing to move on, because of all the wonderful moments you two share.
    I Just feel bad that 5 years of being together hadn’t improved things.

    I have 4 more years to get through on your blog to better understand what you two have been through. My difficult trip lies ahead for me as my wife & I are heading for a divorce.

    Bye, Mark

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