At 11:00 a.m. yesterday, TC emerges from his newly appointed bedroom. Disheveled, stinking of booze, sweat, soft jersey sleeping pants and no top. God is he sexy. I’m in a bad mood. It’s time for a chat.
Chris had come home extra late because the bartenders had partied after the bar had closed. One of the guys is from Eastern Europe and been in a number of gay porn movies. All of these guys are horribly hot, cute or some combination. But we’ll save that for another day.
We climbed in to my bed. I had some things to get off my chest. About how I worried about him last night. What I wanted from him. How I felt about him, how he felt about me. How I wanted things to work. He had some things to talk about as well.
For the next hour we talked, talked about that nasty topic that we all hate to discuss, feelings and expectations from a loved one. We didn’t hold back, sometimes graphic in terms of sex, emotional committment, our fears. I think I got a little teary (I told you I have women moments). I’d make the mistake in my marriage NOT to discuss certain topics. But if you withold your feelings, they take on a new life inside of you. I didn’t hold back, Chris was gonna get it all, ready or not.
Chris admitted his insecurity about himself, he withholds himself emotionally as protection, not wanting to be to exposed. He worries about how fast we seem to move. Then he flipped a new one to me, he’s awfully jealous of me and my chat capabilities. He’s all too aware of how many gay relationships blow themselves up due to infidelity. Guys and their dicks. He’s been cheated on before. “I leave you alone for 5 minutes and when I return you’re chatting up some cute young guy like I don’t even exist, I’m scared what you do when I’m not there”.
I’m a bit taken aback. I’m a one horse rider. I may sniff about but I’m totally committed to him. We talk onwards. A stronger bond is being formed. He rolls over on top of me and we have probably the best moments of our relationship. Disaster safely adverted.
The lesson from this is don’t withold. You have to clearly state what you want, why and what you’re prepared to give. The other side has to respond as well. You can’t negotiate until you know what the deal points are. It’s painful to have such open discussions. But like after a thunderstorm, the air is much clearer, it’s fresh, it’s time to move to the next thing.
Picture is view from the flat.