My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

The reality of life

I’m up early this Sunday morning, getting airborne. Off to hang around with people not on my A-List. But off nonetheless. The skies await.

The visit from TC was too short. We like playing house. He sudden return to Toronto left me a bit cold and lonely. Nothing like the heat of a fire and the sudden realization of how cold it really is outside. At 2.30 this morning, the thin brown mop awakens me on the phone. The sound of some distant bar, friends chattering in the background, he needs to tell me he loves me. Drunken emotions I figure, I accept his call, profess my undying love and hang up.

Six minutes later, he calls again, we’re still on the same topic, but this time he starts to cry. There in a Toronto bar. Middle of the night. Surrounded by friends. I’m not sure what has set this off, the drink, the late hour, it’s cold in Toronto, a random comment from someone. TC is emotional but he usually doesn’t get all worked up even when he’s been drinking.

We have an enormous emotional jigsaw puzzle before us and the pieces never seem to fit. We both have wished we would wise up, recognize some unworkable situation, or better awoken to find fractured fault with one another. Both of our circumstances pushing us closer to the grinding wheel. Perhaps though this is one great love story and this is yet just another chapter. But yet we so want yet another chapter, one of more easy living, to appear.

The complexities of gay relationships are on a good day with the sun shining are a difficult matter. Add in the typical stubbornness and independence that gays tend to have. Sprinkle in any external factors and please don’t add the whole spice rack as I’ve seen to have done.

I head into the skies, all grown up, life just sometimes won’t stop sucking.

4 Comments

  1. We hang onto the past, worry too much about the future and subsequently do not live fully in the present.
    In gay “culture” we’ve had to live in the present( maybe too much so), since the past is too painful and the future is too lonely. Maybe those of us that have lived the hetero married life can help bridge the ways of both to our new gay life. The way I see it we have the opportunity to be really much more honest in our relationships because we can define them as a couple with less societal gender based pressure to fit specific role models. This of course is not easy either, but it can be freeing if approached openly. Open a dialogue with TC, how do we make it work now, and what are the plans for the future, how does one keep a relationship fresh as one ages, recognizing that the paths may diverge too but does that then have to invalidate the present? We have one huge advantage that many of our gay friends do not have, we our kids to anchor us in the future.

    Lots of thoughts no easy answers, but life does go on and I feel much more centered than ever in my life once I came out to my wife and kids, i can finally be ME.

  2. “The problem with earning your daily bread….. it’s just so daily. (I don’t remember who said this.)

  3. How’s sweet, the tiger misses you.

  4. Chris,

    I’ve been here since the start……I used to comment a lot more. This is the only life you and TC have. I don’t believe that either of you want this relationship to fail……and I don’t believe that it will.

    All the best,

    Mark

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