My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

The Misfit

It’s Thursday night in the big ‘D’ and while I should be out serving some little brown Mexican, I’m in the bed reading. I’m reading my gay relationships book and specifically the section where he is ‘defining’ the 12 types of gay guys. The book seems a little pat in it’s responses, but I’ll read some more, suddenly I start reading about ‘me’.

I am aptly named “The Misfit”. The author says I struggle with accepting the gay part of me feeling hurt and conflicted and gravitating towards conformity.  I tend to complain about the gay world and my complaints are worth listening to as I have an interesting prospective to offer. It’s never fun being on the outside looking in, but it’s often a source of wisdom. When you date, guys notice how different you are. Many traditional gay guys are intimidated by you.

The negative, according to the author, is I must have a fair amount of internalized homophobia (you think) and that’s I’m most comfortable around straight people (hello). I assume a entitlement form of male arrogance that makes many gay men uncomfortable.  But I have a creative and sensitive side that I only will show to another gay guy. The author concludes that I’m a ‘half breed’ torn between two worlds and says “it’s not an easy row to hoe”. No shit. Sexually, I don’t connect with 1-nighters and are constantly disappointed that men seem to want only one thing.

What is the guy doing following me around? He writes on for a while and concludes I need to put some energy into getting a solid gay friend as my connector to this new world and try to come to terms with my homophobia. Sounds like a plan.

TC, my warm little brown tiger, loves to prey on straight guys. Something about him that straight guys seem to like. I realized this is perhaps why our relationship works. It’s a match. He’s comfortable in my straight world and I’m comfortable in his little gay sphere. I also realized that Chris’s last relationship was with a guy with many similarities to me. His last BF wasn’t remotely interested in the gay scene, a ‘guy’  and it was just he and Chris roaming about for the most part.

The book is calling Finding Your Leading Man and this link allows you to actually read the book online. Again I don’t think it’s a greatest read, but perhaps if you’re looking to identify yourself (you in the plaid shirt wearing shorts – men over 5 years old should never wear shorts), perhaps this is a good quickie consumption.


  1. Hey, Been reading your site off and on for past several years. Came out at 50, almost 5 yrs ago, 3 boys, all out of school ( youngest just finished at UMD-CP. my job is in boston not in the Baltimore/DC area but still married, the wife has a BF (still living in the house till we can sell it ). I’m living with my partner now for 2 yrs. can relate to many of the things you write about. okay enough back ground, the reason I’m commenting..

    I would suggest reading Joe Kort, title something like “10 things gay men can do to find real love”. might be a good start, not preachy, has blended several different ways of looking at oneself.


  2. Chris – I doubt that you can be pegged into just one category so easily and even if you see yourself as the misfit, you don’t have to stay there if that’s not what you want. Get out there and make some gay friends. And don’t you know your blog could serve as a gold mine for that? Another blogger seems to have hit it off quite well with another blogger, they are gushing about one another on their respective blogs and it’s just wonderful to observe the blossoming of their early courtship online.

  3. Thanks for the recommendation!

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