My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

The first step is the only step

Cleaning up some email, I’ve noticed a theme from my private correspondence with various readers. They’ve usually been leading some clandestine gay lifestyle, either gotten guilty about it or gone Whoopie and then go and drop the bomb on their poor (usually) unsuspecting wife. They then have the nerve to write me, “now what”.

Well the “now what” is you pack up your shit, get your own place and go live the homo life. It’s that fucking simple.

But NOOOOOO … these guys are all educated, smart dudes, not nearly as f’d up as me. No, they’re gonna stay at home and work it out with their wife. Work what out exactly? Is she supposed to un-cock you or something. Rid the demons that are pursuing you. She’s done nothing wrong. You’ve not really done anything wrong (OK you have, but I’m giving you some leeway).

But NOOOOOO … some long story about the kids and how they need time. Time for what?

None of these guys have any inkling what the next steps are. They simply want to unburden themselves. Tell their trusted partner and get advice, “what can I do?” Trusting wives, bewildered by what is happening, aren’t want to face the darkness. So some awkward new relationship is borne and all kinds of weird shit starts to happen. You live in the guest room. Maybe even have sex. Come and go on a new schedule. All strange.

The reality, you’ve introduced a cancer into the system and the cancer is you. I know, you’re a good guy, family man, wonderful provider, go to church on Sunday all that crap. Good for you. That game is over. A new game is about to start up and you will learn soon enough who Lady Gaga is and humming Katy Perry songs on the way to work and getting emotional watching Design on a Dime on HGTV (what an awful color choice).

You can’t stay. You gotta go. There is no good time. But the longer you prolong the inevitable,  the longer it will be until you’re good again. So let the neighbors talk. Step out onto the brace, look down and let go.


  1. I know just what you mean. There’s one bozo I read, just for laughs, who fucks an aging angry unemployed twink (when he can get him), and then writes about how he is “lord of his castle,” “rooster of his hen house” “hetero in a world of fags.” He is an utter hoot! You should see some of his posts. Should I send you some links?

  2. I have read a number of blogs in similar situations as you Chris; some guys want to have their cake and eat it too. Trying to preserve what they have with their wives and families while going on the down low for the shadow gay life but rationalizing that it’s not really cheating. I’m not in that situation but I can see why they think both worlds can co-exist, but when worlds collide, there’s no way to prevent hurt feelings. I lean towards your approach, get it over quickly then move on to build a new life rather than dwell on the past.

  3. well, I exaggerated about the beign unemployed twink. Miss diva does cut here ever six episodes or so. I love the sitcocm

  4. Black or white, huh? Most of your posts are insightful and not overly simplistic. Interesting you can see no middle ground for anyone else. Could it be a way to rationalize your choices? There is rarely a one size fits all approach to a problem. For some people, a quick split is probably best. For others, working together on their relationship to overcome challenges is important and something every successful relationship needs to be able to do. Don’t cut and run at the first sign of trouble. If it isn’t meant to be, nothing wrong with trying to work it out at first.

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