My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

The first step is the hardest, after that silence

The psychologist Edwin S. Shneidman, Ph.D., a pioneer in suicide research, once said that it’s a bad idea to kill yourself when you’re feeling suicidal. I bet his parents are really glad they paid for that education. In case you haven’t figured it out, I’m not really happy with myself, my situation and for that matter anything surrounding me, it reflects in my writing. I’m not too happy with you either.

I stand at the Washington Metro station and imagine that I’m gonna jump in front of the next inbound train, Blue Line direction Largo. I inspect the front coupling on the lead car, imagining my head hitting it as I fall,  big & metal, thinking that’s gotta hurt and some part of me that I likely previously valued snapping into chicken parts under the wheels as I tumble about. It frightens me, I actually find myself backing away from the edge of the platform, least I do something impulsive. I’m hoping to go in one piece, open casket style.

My colleague and I had a morbid discussion about what was indeed the best way to kill yourself. We got embroiled in how high a building you needed to jump from to ensure your goal. He swears you need at least 15 stories to ensure no mistakes. For my 86 kg mass, this results in a ground impact speed of ~ 35 meters per second (about 100 feet per sec), that should fuck you up pretty good!

I imagine this blog, spinning away in it’s California data center, the account paid up for a year. Suddenly, there will be no more posts, readership falls off, a scant few will wonder what happened to dear ole Chris.  Or maybe like a good mystery novel, I, in some post dated blog entry that appears on a programmed schedule early one morning to greet you, reveals who I am. Pictures of me , family and all the characters finally completing this long told story. It might even make the Sunday New York Times, an op-ed piece, tragic and poetic as it is.

In fact, suicide sounds quite promising, as long as it doesn’t hurt (I’m squeamish after all) and a grand exit would be in my style. The ultimate fuck you. And at long last, I would be on my way to my next adventure, freed from the chains that bind.

If this is it, not only am I bored with it but equally disgusted with the characters. There doesn’t seem to be much depth to people. Facebook, email, chatting, texting, we talk but we don’t listen. We wander with our insecurities in our front pocket, hoping no one notices. But life is indeed a “write your own adventure” novel and I do know that if I don’t like the words on the page, it’s up to me to change them. Unfortunately, patience isn’t my strong suit and I like all Americans long for that multi-symptom cold relief pill in handy caplet form that rids all demons.

8 Comments

  1. You´ll survive Chris, don´t waste your precious life. If you don´t wait till the end, you´ll never going to know how this will finish.
    Maybe next year you´ll be in a great mood and position…you never know!

    Think about your sons and TC. Think about how traumatic would be to them to know you have commited suicide. They would have to live with that pain for the rest of their life.

    Keep writting when you feel down. We´ll be here reading.

    A big hug from Canary Islands, Spain.

  2. Chris — I hope you just are venting again. If you think about it, you have much to live for. Don’t we all just for a moment wonder if I just disappeared that our troubles would evaporate in an instant? Life is tough now but you are not the giving up type, so keep trying, better days are ahead. Think of your kids, TC, all those rice crispy treats you’ll miss seeing.

  3. I think a lot of gay men think about ending it all when things seem hopeless, but most of the time we don’t We find a way to continue. I was a teenager the last time I felt that way. I have even devised a way to do it, but I never did. I’m glad I didn’t.

    At no point during the last 2 years, no matter how bad it got, anytime I felt it might be hopeless, I remembered my children and how much they need their daddy.

    This will pass and you will be OK.

    -jim

  4. Hey mate…what’s going on with you? did you ring me today? I will try to ring you tomorrow or before I go for sure. I hope you are well.

    Jumping out of the building is not the answer. Seriously. Nothing funny about suicide. We would miss your daily drama….and your smile. There is so much good that will happen in the future…the future is bright and sunny. Remember your kids as well……

  5. You stopped blogging for quite awhile at one point……inexcusable. I think what I’m saying here is “no” the the suicide idea. The hell with the kids…..think of me…..and don’t say “get a life”.

  6. Oh man.

    My heart sank when I read this. I’ve been there, in fact, very recently. Unbeknownst to you, this blog has kept me alive. It is where I turn on the darkest days… when I am completely alone and believe light will never come again.

    I, like you, am frustrated by the superficial “relatonships” made so easy by all this technology. I struggle with being a complete person for everyone around me, let alone for myself. And I struggle knowing I have found the only true love I have ever known… and the future of that love is uncertain.

    You wrote a quote once… so significant to me, I read it every day:

    “Like fighting the incoming surf, we brace for impact, willing ourselves forward. But, perhaps we should simply let go and let the surf carry us, perhaps here is where we will all find peace”

    Chris, I don’t know you and you don’t know me… but… I know you will not find that peace in what you suggest.

    Hugs.

  7. Hey Chris, I know the advice not to do it for the kids has been said more than once, but it is true.

    Even though my Dad was in his late 70’s and did it probably at the “best” time from a number of points of view, it devastated our family. A year later my sister tried to kill herself, my other sister and daughter are in counseling and taking anti-depressants, and it precipitated my disastrous separation from my wife of many years. (OK, maybe it’s good that we separated and I’m living with my man now, but the way I did it was a textbook case in what not to do).

    And by the way, it only took my dad 4 stories from his apartment’s balcony.
    Paul

  8. Chris. I, like Sean, used your blog for hope and courage when life seemed really dark. Your blog made me laugh and cry but most importantly allowed me to see light at the end of the tunnel. Carry on mate. We are here with you.

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