My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

The bell tolls

OMG – when Prof. Tim weighs in, I have to react.  I am sorry if you took offense. My underlying message is that HIV is a huge issue with serious long term consequences to the infected person. This ain’t a take two pills and call me in the morning problem. Clearly it seems to be getting worse. I remember early in my own postings, every gay bar had bowls of condoms for that ‘just in case’ event, now I’m hard pressed to see them in any venue. So while the rate of infection has gone up, perhaps the efforts to educate and keep top of mind and as well supplied have faltered a bit.

However HIV is a 100% preventable disease. This isn’t a birth defect, or cancer you got or some horrible infection you picked up on the subway. This is a disease you got because you had unprotected sex of some sort. That simple. There was no gun and clearly I would hope that ever gay man in the world knows the consequences of unprotected sex. Prof. Tim counters that “Chris, things happen, perhaps you drank too much and your guard was down“. Fair enough, shit happens.

But let”s say I drank too much one night, drove home, rode off the road, flipped my car and seriously & permanently injured myself. How much sympathy would I get? OK so some, we all have made bad decisions. But when we drove home a little bit drunk, we didn’t think we’d have an accident. Damn.

I’m not unsympathetic, one bad day turns into a lifetime. There are few decisions in life with so devastating consequences. I am totally sympathetic for those accidentally infected, a cheating trusted partner, a mechanical failure and so on. My point is that HIV is preventable and you have a choice. Despite Prof. Tim’s words, I’m not sure I would ever be so drunk as to allow unprotected sex to occur, but that’s me. Only you can prevent HIV (ain’t that what Smokey the Bear would say?).

I will hold my stance on being with an HIV+ person. Yes, we’d all like to think we’re noble and intelligent people and I wouldn’t be the least bit concerned about being a friend to an HIV+ person. But dating? Long term relationship? No.

Tell me I’m narrow minded, shallow and whatever other words you’d like (hit the little comment button below), but my question do you have you/are you in a relationship with an HIV+ person? If you give me the line, no, but I would. Well let me know when you sign up. I can fully understand an HIV+ person not wishing to share that, but at what point do you? Hopefully not pass the point of no return. For me, I’ve got enough balls in the air, HIV shouldn’t be in my cards.

I leave with my main worry & point, I hope we can eliminate HIV, while drugs have suppressed many of the symptoms and death is no longer certain, it remains a long term and serious affliction. Only with constant education, peer pressure and state of mind can we reduce the growing and horrible statistics that we are now seeing.


  1. I have been in a relationship with an HIV+ person in the past. Actually for over 2 years monogamously… HIV would never prevent me from friending or loving someone, anymore than cancer, heart disease, or any other chronic illness would. While cancer and heart disease is not transmitted from one person to another in any way, if you know your partner is positive, you do things differently…

    The relationship with my positive partner ended over years ago and I get tested to this date “just in case” 2x a year… My current partner (soon to be husband) is negative and we practice the same rules as my positive partner and I followed…

    HIV is definitely a choice you can prevent… If you choose to…

  2. Interesting post. Not one about TC! What if TC told you he was HIV pos? would you leave him?

  3. Chris – it’s easy to comment on hypothetical situations and offer up definitive answers without having much emotional investment to influence your decision making. When you are invested, such choices no longer are so black and white. Single Guy offers up a dilemma, how do you think you would choose? Or what if you were the object of the difficult choice? Regardless whether you were at fault or not, what if you were the one that was HIV+, would you expect TC to automatically dump you? See? It’s not so simple. That’s why you walked into a hornet’s nest of controversy over this topic.

  4. OK, Chris, as one of the “reactors” to yesterday’s post, I’ll respond here, too! I agree with you, if you got HIV because of unprotected sex, shame on you. We all have a responsibility to be responsible with this horrible disease. However, shit happens. I am in a relationship for almsot 6 years. We used condoms the first 6 months. We were tested. We stopped the condoms. I trust him. But can I say 100% that he will never do anything that I don’t know about? No. So, it could happen to me, in a ltr, not as a “skanky whore!”

    I guess it was the concept of being in a room that had two HIV poz men and saying something about washing your hands, using mouthwash, etc., that I found not funny and thoughtless.

    And, no, I wouldn’t knowingly have sex with a HIV+ person, any more than I’d kiss someone with tuberculosis. But unknowingly, who knows what can happen.

    Anyway, appreciate the further post on this.

  5. I am HIV+ now 16 years. I got it from a boy I dated, who lied to me and then killed himself. My HUSBAND never had an issue dating me, having sex with me, nor marrying me either. So you don’t want a poz boyfriend, that’s your own decision, but we aren’t all bad. So we take a few pills every day and we see a doctor every 3 months. AIDS today is not like it was when I was first diagnosed. I’ve been reading your little diatribes, I find them quite comical. Having a serodiscordant relationship is still one that is avoided because who wants a poz BF or Husband today when life teaches us so often to live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse. I can speak for the rest of us, you won’t find a better man to love than one who fights for his life every day he breathes. THAT is COURAGE, if you don’t have the courage to date someone marked for death, that’s your own business. I find you a little shallow for my taste. Grow up. A real man would accept his lover warts and all. Maybe you haven’t met that man yet. But we poz men don’t spend our times looking for men like you. I’d toss you out on your ass if you ever gave me the line you wrote above. Then I’d spit in your face to boot…

    Happily Poz in Montreal.

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