TC is here with me in Cologne and we've been having a great time. I'm sleeping like a log, something about having him next to me puts me at ease. He's been hinting that we "need to have a talk". I've been making jokes about it, talk about what?
For those fast readers, I wrote a blog entry about me having a semi-sexual one night stand with a guy named Ryan in DC last week. Sex didn't happen but I was so disgusted with myself about the whole indiscretion that I removed the posting. I'm not sure why I did the 1-nighter, but I did and I'm not proud of myself for it. I don't keep secrets well and many moments I've wanted to come clean with TC, but I guess the no good for nothing guy in me came out and figured since I'd gotten away with it, just let it keep on getting away.
Unfortunately, in the 24 hours that the post was LIVE, TC with his super ESP, realized I was up to no good and he picked that moment to google and find my blog. He, of course, read the entry about my less than honorable behavior and after 4 nights here with me, dropped the bomb on me this evening while we were sitting in a bar. "Chris – I read your blog entry 'Shit Happens'", tears were welling in his eyes, "why didn't you tell me about this?".
At the sight of tears, you know you've caused someone a great deal of pain, it was also at this point I realized how much I love him. The fact that TC came to Cologne and has been living with this painful "secret" for 4 days, makes me realize how much he loves me in return.
There are no excuses, no reasons, no explanations for my less than honorable behavior. I fell on my sword, confessed everything and begged for forgiveness. I can only hope that he sees a better person in me than I do in myself right now. I am once again deeply saddened by the pain I have cause someone.
Why I write this blog I have no idea, it has been the source of much personal regret, unfortunately it mirrors my real life. So I will do my best in the coming days and hope I can rescue the relationship that I so desire to keep with TC for he is indeed a better person than I.