My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Story continued

A continuation of the posting from yesterday …

A little fight, I huff out, get a drink, get some wisdom and realize I need to come home and make up. I walking out the door of the bar and in walks my brown pup, TC.

I saw you talking to those boys", he starts, "I knew exactly where you would be, chatting up some Latino". It usually a fair assumption that I've been flirting with someone and even odds they'll be a shade of brown, so I can't TC for trying, but I wasn't. I tell him I was just headed home and introduce him to Rob. Rob, playing the peace maker, immediately confirms I was on my way home and being a good (or thereabouts). TC still has his fur up, turns his back to me and starts chatting with Rob about all things London.

TC heads off to the restroom. Rob leans over, "I must say your friend is quite a keeper, work to hold on to him, the gay world is quite a challenge." Great, just what I need more challenges. TC returns and snarls at me before turning back to Rob. Nice teeth.

The night ends with TC totally trashed and me guiding him home. He falls onto the couch, CNN blaring in the background. Whatever, I go to bed. A short while later, he's tugging on his duvet, clearly trying to take it back downstairs. No f'ing way, the duvet stays on the bed. He sulks away.

A while later I creep downstairs, it's dark and cold, he's curled up in a ball on the couch, freezing to death. I pull on his arms, he starts complaining, STFU woman and get upstairs with your man, this ain't how I run my railroad. Without another word, he complies and floats up the circular stairwell. I take off his clothes, bundle him up in his duvet, a light kiss on the cheek and he's quickly back asleep. The house secured for the night.

This morning I prepare French toast with cinnamon, powdered sugar and Canadian maple syrup (a diabetic delight) and with a steaming cup of coffee deliver it to my dozing pup. He puts up little defense and then we kiss and make up. My little tiger showers and bounces off to meet Rob for a day of sightseeing. All systems back to normal.

I realize I can't be a gay guy. It's not how I've lived my life so far. I can't suddenly shift my expectations of a relationship. I know how I want things to be and though I'm willing to bend, I'm just this way. I'm a good guy, a good provider, I'm fun to be with, interesting to talk to and caring and yes I can be a total dickhead and go Germanic on you if you ruffle my feathers.

But I'm also not some guy who likes to cruise parks, hook-up on gay.com and pretend I'm having an intimate moment as some guy whose name I won't remember is blowing me. I'm the real deal. If you're looking for a solid loving relationship, well look no further. I'm not going to run when it gets tough. But I can't fix my weaknesses and I'll play to my strong side and hope that whomever I'm with understands and appreciates the balance of the person they're getting.

And NO, I'm not past my infatuation with Latinos, so stop asking me about it.

2 Comments

  1. I agree, he’s a keeper. He’s so cute when he gets drunk. He doesn’t have a drinking problem or anything does he? Seems he passess out a lot (at least, that’s what you seem to write about). I’m sure there is more to him that you tell, so I’m sure he’s a keepter. It doesn’t always come across that way in your postings (he sounds kind of pathetic sometimes), but what does come across is that you like him and that’s all that matters.

  2. Chris: The problem is that you are gay. You just don’t fit into what you think of as the “sterotypical gay guy.” And you don’t. The swishing hips, the catty attitude, etc. You are exactly who you are, and the more I’m out the more I see that there is just as much diversity in gay men as there is in the hetero world (actually, probably more diversity.) Like any realtionship the expectations are the problem. Who expects whom to take what roll. Y’all need to talk that one out…no assumptions, no expectations that can’t be met. And the age thing is big…not insurmountable, just big. There is no way TC can understand your perspective since he has not lived that life. And really, he needs to get a little more out of himself and his fears and into trying to put himself in your place (and truthfully the same can be said of you.) Paul and I have only a five year difference in our ages… which is easier. But even with us I need to constantly haul myself in and remember that I cannot change him…I need to take him as he is. And I cannot live in a fantasy world of what it would be like to be with him full time. I don’t want to be his wife; there is no way I could or even would want to fill that roll. But I can love him as a man. And your descriptions of TC do come off as pathetic…lots of fear and anxiety…he expects a lot through his assumptions. A keeper? I don’t know. A picture says nothing. I’d suggest you go back and read your posts and discover what you are really saying and really wanting. I suspect it is in there; you just need to see it for yourself.
    Pax
    Jim
    emerging identity.

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