I must be continuing to make progress, I’m feeling a bit jaded. For the last 2 years and a bit, I’ve reconfigured my life to accommodate TC. Almost from the beginning, I made choices with him in mind. I helped out on all kinds of fronts, tried to do the right thing by him. I didn’t run when he was a mess.
My reward a simple “thanks, not really on my life plan” and in flash, he was gone. No joint bank account to close. No household furniture to split up. No messy arguments. I was left with sole custody of our Betta fish, aptly named “Fishy”. Just like that, it’s over. I have ingratiated myself further by begging him to return and endured his phone calls because he needs to talk to me. Talk about what?
I’m afraid TC got the early “boyfriend” sweetheart deal, sadly it was a one off. The next one won’t fair as well. It’s generic though in a gay relationship. There are no ties, there no meaningful bonds, it’s all just about convenience, a balance of trade. I hesitate to think if I were to take ill or get incapacitated in some form, better not be planning on some life partner to be there.
I slowly start to ‘get it’ . Get the steely look in some guys eye’s, understand the programmed statements, “I don’t need a man in my life”. Recognize those match.com profiles, “I’m back in the dating game after being away a few years”. It’s all not very pleasant and it further speaks to the challenges males have in creating solid bonds. As has been often written, you can depend on your friends, but perhaps not your love interest.
Often, I desire the gay world to change, adapt to me. But it is I who must adapt to it. I need a reprieve from all of this, go in the back room and take stock, figure out a revised gameplan, either way, it’s another lash on my back, a scar I will have to bear.