My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Something is fishy

I must be continuing to make progress, I’m feeling a bit jaded. For the last 2 years and a bit, I’ve reconfigured my life to accommodate TC.  Almost from the beginning, I made choices with him in mind. I helped out on all kinds of fronts, tried to do the right thing by him. I didn’t run when he was a mess.

My reward a simple “thanks, not really on my life plan” and in flash, he was gone. No joint bank account to close. No household furniture to split up. No messy arguments. I was left with sole custody of our Betta fish, aptly named “Fishy”. Just like that, it’s over. I have ingratiated myself further by begging him to return and endured his phone calls because he needs to talk to me. Talk about what?

I’m afraid TC got the early “boyfriend” sweetheart deal, sadly it was a one off. The next one won’t fair as well. It’s generic though in a gay relationship. There are no ties, there no meaningful bonds, it’s all just about convenience, a balance of trade. I hesitate to think if I were to take ill or get incapacitated in some form, better not be planning on some life partner to be there.

I slowly start to ‘get it’ . Get the steely look in some guys eye’s, understand the programmed statements, “I don’t need a man in my life”. Recognize those match.com profiles, “I’m back in the dating game after being away a few years”. It’s all not very pleasant and it further speaks to the challenges males have in creating solid bonds. As has been often written, you can depend on your friends, but perhaps not your love interest.

Often, I desire the gay world to change, adapt to me. But it is I who must adapt to it. I need a reprieve from all of this, go in the back room and take stock, figure out a revised gameplan, either way, it’s another lash on my back, a scar I will have to bear.

1 Comment

  1. Hi Chris!

    Following your blog after reading the whole story recently i can’t help – although i intended not to do so – to write a post.
    I’m sorry: you’re feeling down. I think your view upon parts of the gay world is quite appropriate, although i doubt you got already the whole picture – neither i did yet. I just want to encourage you to keep up some hope – even without somebody next to you. Life is full of surprises as you already experienced when you met TC.
    If you’re looking for a partner – what you’re probably not up to now – maybe you’ll find a man who can be a real partner for you. I do understand that you need somebody in your life who can adapt to the situation you’re in, you have your goals for your life and are the alpha animal, so to say. But my impression is that TC moulded into your life without having a chance or the drive to develop his own ways – now he’s doing it and i guess that’s a good investment in his own future. The man who’ll come back maybe different from the TC you knew, but he could be more mature and a real partner. Maybe he’s even doing it for your sake, too, maybe not, but it could be the right decision for at least one of you.
    I’m feeling compassionate for the situation you’re in and yes, i have been through that, too: It’s a black hole in your guts, it hurts continuosly, it sucks your energy and your happiness off of you. But it will disappear.
    Wish you all the best!

    Peter

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