In recent months, kinda of figured out my marriage, much as I hate to see it happen, is over. It’s time to focus on the tactical execution. It’s finally brought some peace to both of us. I’ve come out to a little wider audience, it’s still selective and NO you aren’t likely to see a PFLAG on my car anytime soon. I’m comfortable that I’m not that gay but gay enough to join the clan. Women can still interest me sexually and that’s OK.
I found this nice 23 yo Canadian from Toronto living in London and we have developed some kind of relationship. He’s not going out with anyone else and frankly I’m only in look mode. It’s not about sex, it’s about intimacy. He’s dropped his emotional shield several notches as we develop trust. I’ve learning not to worry so much. Neither of us at a position to have a serious relationship, but that’s kinda of what’s happening. Missed opportunities are just that missed, grab when they come by, rainy day or not.
I’m recognizing the spectrum of “gay”. It comes in a whole bunch of colors. I live in the suburbs of DC. Nice houses & lawns. Dad’s playing golf. Mom cooking a pie. Kids riding their bikes. There’s a certain sameness. I guess rearing a family almost forces a cookie cutter model.
The gay world, though, has multiple models. Fruity, leather, sexual overtones, one night hookups, esoteric sexual behavior, huge insecurity often with bouts of loneliness. I didn’t resonate with many of the colors I was seeing. But like that box of 64 Crayola crayons my mother would never buy for me as a kid, there’s a color in here that fits me. There’s likely a color for you as well.
So whether you’re mahogany, perwinkle, sea green or violet blue – keep at it, your color will appear. When it does, stop worrying about the other colors, they’re just fine.