My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Relationships are tough

Relationship are bit like fishing. It’s all about the tension on the line. Too much and the line snaps, too little and they get away. When you meet someone you like, you’ve got to play it cool, but not too cool.  Interested but not that interested.

Gay games are tougher, early on one of the parties has to decide they are the ‘chasee’ and the other is the ‘chaseor’. Since the beginnings of homosexuality, this has normally been the classic whose the ‘top’ question.  I apologize if that’s a stereotype, but odds hold. This dates back to ancient Greece, where the bottom was supposed to play hard to get and make the top work for their affection and most importantly assure that they weren’t being chased solely for sex.   Straight men hate to be chased by woman, in fact it’s a downright turn off to them. Woman chasing men have to be extremely subtle, about placing the harness on a man they desire.

No surprise, it takes a lot to get a relationship going. If both parties work, back n’ forth, the train will start to move. All too often when relationships don’t materialize, it’s either because (1) you scared them off or (2) one of the parties simply didn’t do their share of the back n’ forth, probably because they’re not all that interested, but perhaps they kinda of play along for a bit as they wait for Mr. Right. A false relationship if you will and clearly leaves people ultimately hurt.

Once a relationship is moving, like a locomotive in motion, the energy required to keep it going is minimal, throw a couple of logs on now and again and where it cools inertia usually gives you plenty of time to carry on to the next hot spot. However, when a relationship breaks down, the locomotive ultimately stops.  There the two of you are, on the rail siding arguing. If both parties are done, you pack up and walk home, leave the train there for someone else.

But usually that’s not the case. One party is still fighting to get the locomotive going again. But the other party isn’t so sure they wanna get back on the train. But night is falling and they’re also not sure exactly where home is, so they stand haplessly by the train. A single party can’t get the train going by themselves and the other party refuse to help but also refuse to leave. Each party gets annoyed with the other and try all sorts of tactics to convince the other to either chuck it in or get on the train.

What’s missing here is the understanding that the train really broke down miles back down the rail and unless they’re willing to mentally go back, they can’t possibly go forward.

I am allowing myself another photograph to keep me happy.


  1. Relationships do not just happen. They take effort.

    I see a lot of my relationship with my wife in train story. Our train coasted for more than 2 years before we decided to abandon it for a slimmed down version.

    What will make it difficult to get you and TC back on the train, is your disparity in geography, age & experience, and life goals. I hope you find a way to make it work out.

  2. Chris I discussed this idea in my “tough love” comment to you a while ago. The 3 things integral to a successful relationship being love, compromise and both parties taking an active vs passive role in the relationship. All relationships take a tremendous amount of work. Cheers.

  3. We are conducting a survey of Bi/gay married men (married to a woman) to better understand the thoughts and actions of Bi/gay married men as opposed to other gay men in different situations.

    If you are visiting lifeout and are married (or partnered) to a female, your assistance would be greatly appreciated.

    The survey is 30 questions (multiple choice) and will take about 5 mins. All information is confidential and your privacy is assured.

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  4. Aren’t you the historian. You never called me back. Just like every other gay guy…says he’ll call you and never does! LOL. Bitchy cynical me as I’ve been up to 30 hours!

    Dont be so hard on yourself. See…gay is not so much fun after you’ve been doing it for a while….told you.

    But get some friends. That is what gets you through the tough times.

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