Prof. Tim and I talking about ‘what else’ brown boys. It suddenly dawned on me that on each my trips to Chicago, none of his Latino friends ever seem to be in a relationship of any sort. In fact, it’s always the same gaggle of them clucking around. Maybe the odd hook-up, but never anything regular so it appears.
The Latin family culture is strong, boys live at home until they get married and literally just move next door. While many of Prof. Tim’s friends are out, it’s to varying degrees with their families. In the best of cases, it’s simply a don’t ask don’t tell situation. In the worse of cases, these guys create an elaborate series of lies about who they are and what they’re doing. With time, they get pretty good at lying.
TC has a Caribbean family with a long history of rejecting whatever spouse choice one makes. His mother’s family disapproved of her marriage. Now 30 years later, they have no choice. His own parents aren’t 100% happy with his sister’s choice. Just wait until they meet me. TC shakes his head, this ain’t likely to happen anytime soon.
The sadness in all of this is many of these guys never develop relationship skills. It’s all about drunken hook-ups surrounded by lies in their 20’s and into their 30’s they struggle to break their old habits and maybe with a bit of luck they figure out how to be comfortable with themselves.
Hence why I think us previously married guys are a real find. We know how a relationship is supposed to work and we’ve done it for years. We also know what long term means. We’re playing a different game. So if you’re getting banged about by an emotionally unstable person, move on. There are clearly the ‘smart’ ones who see the value you’re offering and will work to make it work.
TC UPDATE: After consuming 8,000 gallons of water burning 14 tea lamps and 3 satchels of herbal bathing salts, TC pronounced that his tub experience was complete. The fall out from the ship continues with all sorts of boys and men sending him emails and pictures ‘hoping’ he’ll stay in touch. Hmmm. I can’t leave him alone for a minute.