I’m airborne at O-dark-thirty tomorrow, and will be in London as the business day begins. Tiger Cub is waiting. Chuckling to myself, the other night I had taken a shower, emerging I walked down the darkened hallway to the bedroom and from beneath a covered ironing board a paw reached out and swatted me. TC had curled up under there laying in wait for me to wander past, hoping to scare me. Such is my life with a 23 year old cub.
The purpose of this blog was to help others. You’re sitting in your office, googling around, you’re curious, wondering about yourself. My web stats show all kinds of corporations, universities and governmental agencies domains visiting here. Perhaps you have a “fuck buddy” on the side. Maybe only the ocassional random experience when you’re at the Holiday Inn Express by the Interstate. Maybe just internet porn for now. Or you’re just troubled because you eye’d some guy, whatever your type, on the train in this morning. You got a wife, kids, bills to pay, a mortgage to re-finance and T-ball is at 9 a.m. on Saturday. Little does anyone really know what’s roaming around in your head. But you ain’t gay, right?
TC said to me in Rome, the hardest person to come out to is yourself. I haven’t passed that point yet. I refuse to believe it. I go to meetings. Yell, scream, argue, demand. Out with the boys for a drink Roam around, dare any one to f*ck with me. Little would they know that what I’ve been up to in the last 2 years. But still I refuse to commit.
TC and I take great pleasure in playing the “find the fag” game as we wander in our travels. The fruity ones are easy to pick off. The more masculine ones take a finer sniff. But we both can smell gay walking past. Usually a tied score by the end. There’s a look, a walk, a secret signal – our radar picks it up. But how many guys do we miss, the hidden group. I suspect more than a few.
I struggle when people ask me what will happen with me or worse if they ask for advice. I will apply some business logic here. Things are often just as they appear. So whatever you think – probably that’s what it is.
Years ago, a business school took two groups of students and asked them to solve a business problem. The first group got reams of data on the business and the problem at hand. The second group got just the basic information, the bare facts. Both teams set about to “solve” the problem. Interesting – both group’s solution was virtually the same. However, as you suspected, the group with the most data took the most amount of time and had the most team arguments which stressed everyone on the team out.
I believe I am making progress towards the goal of being comfortable with myself. It’s not happening as fast as I’d like and where possible, I make things more complicated, but progress will be at my speed and pace and I just have to be happy with that. May a higher power be with us all.