My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Pray the gay away

I’m airborne at O-dark-thirty tomorrow, and will be in London as the business day begins. Tiger Cub is waiting. Chuckling to myself, the other night I had taken a shower, emerging I walked down the darkened hallway to the bedroom and from beneath a covered ironing board a paw reached out and swatted me. TC had curled up under there laying in wait for me to wander past, hoping to scare me. Such is my life with a 23 year old cub.


The purpose of this blog was to help others. You’re sitting in your office, googling around, you’re curious, wondering about yourself. My web stats show all kinds of corporations, universities and governmental agencies domains visiting here. Perhaps you have a “fuck buddy” on the side. Maybe only the ocassional random experience when you’re at the Holiday Inn Express by the Interstate. Maybe just internet porn for now. Or you’re just troubled because you eye’d some guy, whatever your type, on the train in this morning. You got a wife, kids, bills to pay, a mortgage to re-finance and T-ball is at 9 a.m. on Saturday. Little does anyone really know what’s roaming around in your head. But you ain’t gay, right?


TC said to me in Rome, the hardest person to come out to is yourself. I haven’t passed that point yet. I refuse to believe it. I go to meetings. Yell, scream, argue, demand. Out with the boys for a drink Roam around, dare any one to f*ck with me. Little would they know that what I’ve been up to in the last 2 years. But still I refuse to commit.


TC and I take great pleasure in playing the “find the fag” game as we wander in our travels. The fruity ones are easy to pick off. The more masculine ones take a finer sniff. But we both can smell gay walking past. Usually a tied score by the end. There’s a look, a walk, a secret signal – our radar picks it up. But how many guys do we miss, the hidden group. I suspect more than a few.


I struggle when people ask me what will happen with me or worse if they ask for advice. I will apply some business logic here. Things are often just as they appear. So whatever you think – probably that’s what it is.


Years ago, a business school took two groups of students and asked them to solve a business problem. The first group got reams of data on the business and the problem at hand. The second group got just the basic information, the bare facts. Both teams set about to “solve” the problem. Interesting – both group’s solution was virtually the same. However, as you suspected, the group with the most data took the most amount of time and had the most team arguments which stressed everyone on the team out.


I believe I am making progress towards the goal of being comfortable with myself. It’s not happening as fast as I’d like and where possible, I make things more complicated, but progress will be at my speed and pace and I just have to be happy with that. May a higher power be with us all.

3 Comments

  1. No one wants to be the “King” of the homos. We just want our lives. The more you blog the more it becomes obvious to me that your “skin” is suiting you better and better. You seem to have no problems with PDA (public display of affection)…..usually a biggie for newbies. You definitely enjoy your quality time with TC, and I suspect that your “side” trips to Rome, etc. wouldn’t be as satisfying to you with anyone else. Oh sure he’s not careful of where he drops things, but I suspect you’re a bit anal the other way as far as picking things up.
    Have to good time in D.C. and post a photo of the parade if you get a chance.

  2. It is so inspiring to see someone like you who came out of the closet later and life and has done everything just rigt. You are a wonderful father, a caring human being, and have found the love of your life (TC). How you got it all together so fast and so efficiently is a mystery to me, but it is admirable. Keep up the good work and lots of good luck. You and TC are so wondeful together. He seems so great, and so are you. Keep the blogging, love it.

  3. Good luck tonight with TC! I woke up all teary eyed this morning, as I had been thinking about the two of you all night long, mesmerized by this incredibly strong relationship that you two have. Each of you brings his own strengths and maturity, values opinions and objectives to the relationship. Sometimes you have little bumps along the road, but through that wonderful way of communicating that the two of you have developed, you are able to talk things through, learn and accept each other’s particular weaknesses and peculiarities, accept the other your soul mate and not your clone. I have never seen a relationship as strong and as healthy as the one shared between you and TC. It just chokes me up 🙁
    Anyway, I know you are looking forward to seeing your little cub tonight and spending some of that wonderful time with him that that has become the hallmark of your relationship.
    I can’t wait to hear all about it!
    Keep blogging!

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