February 2007 (the day after our first joint counseling) – I’m actually kinda of happy with our joint counseling. I think my wife is feeling a bit better. I’m actually not feeling so hot, I’m continuing the lie.

I come home from work, grab a glass of wine, sit down at the kitchen table and rifle through the daily mail. My wife sits down across, clearly she wants to talk. The kids are outside playing. It’s just us two alone. The story is about to unfold.

The back to the future of my blog needs to happen, I started this blog with the story of my first sexual gay experience with a Mexican man. That enough is true. But the story is longer than that. I need to go back.

The reality is since college, I’ve "noticed" guys. I notice if they’re cute. I notice if they’re physically fit. I notice if they are nicely toned. I notice if they have a warm personality. I notice that I can easily talk to some guys.

It started with sexual fantasies. I would whack off thinking sometimes about girls and sometimes about guys. It seem pretty balanced to me. No big deal.

After getting married, it was the start of computer bulletin boards, I would download pictures of men and women. The advent of the Internet clearly opened a new door, first to picture galleries of guys. Then on to grainy movie clips and finally on to full motion full screen porn. The gay porn eventually reaching about 90% of my interest.

But I never went to a gay bar, I never pursued another guy. I’m not gay, right? It’s nothing more than homoerotic. OK so even in a good year, I’m only having sex 4-8 times a year, I’m happy, she’s happy, we’re happy.

We’ve got to go back to the future and find my trigger point.