My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

No place like home

So here I sit in Las Vegas, it’s 7 p.m. in the evening, night is settling in, the bright sun has been replaced by the bright neon and flashing illumination that Vegas is so famous for. I’m at the New York New York hotel, my room on the top floor looking out at the airport, quite a sight.

My work day is done, my business colleague jetted back to San Franciso. I’m alone. Hotel is paid for. My return flight booked for tomorrow early afternoon. Now off to do some prowling, right?

Nope, I’m depressed, packed up, heading to the airport in a few minutes, will stand by for the red eye back to Washington. Leaves at midnight. I gonna go sit quietly at the airport. Flight likely to be packed, my status will ensure I get on. Some slob likely in the middle seat next to me, wearing a T-Shirt and short pants will no doubt be my mate for the return voyage. Suspect that’s going to complete my experience. I’ll leave for Europe Saturday.

I’m mad at myself for being unable to make a decision for which direction I should go, straight or gay, right or left. But thinking a married guy prowling around in the gay world, can’t do that. Just it’s not freaking clear to me and I’m royally pissed about it. I have, indeed, entered the twilight zone. It’s not clear where I am, how I got here and more important, how I’m gonna get out of here. I want my answer and I want it now.

Brian (my now not present therapist) had indeed warned me about the swirling tides of being caught in the middle. I dismissed his warnings, I’m a strong swimmer. The amusement part of this is now all gone, the party is over but my band is continuing to play on. Why is this so difficult? This blog evident of my ways would allow any jury to quickly come to a unanimous decision. But am I steadfastly refusing to admit something to myself? Am I simply scared of the consequences? I’m starting not to like myself.

3 Comments

  1. i think you know the answer as i do in my own situation, you took one step and moved out, i havn’t yet, are we afraid, i don’t know, keep asking myself that, i think in the end we both know what the answer will be, and that is living in truth and no more denial…..good luck you will be fine……..

  2. My friend there are no rule books you can consult when it comes to being a gay man. You have a family you love dearly, so did I. I stuck it out for 30 some years. Mostly 30 some good years, but it took its toll at the same time. I was never really comfortable being who I really wasn’t (hope this makes some sense).
    When you dove into the gay lifestyle…..you did the “club” thing. Fast paced and heady, but to be honest not what living day to day as a gay person really is.
    You are a high energy, successful person…..difficult to be around for lots of people even if they aren’t gay. You would scare the dickens out of me and I’m sure you do lots of people, but that’s who you are and that’s what you have to deal with……gay or straight.
    Keep writing……keep working on your life.
    Here’s hoping that at some point you will find some sort of peace

  3. wow, right there with you in the twilight zone!! couldn’t have expressed better. as i am struggling as you are, I am wondering if there is a light that will finally come on to where I will be able to see exactly what is right and true and pull my life back together and finally make some decisions and get on with my life. Got to have hope that there is a way out of the twilight zone, we just have to work on it and find it. Glad I found your blog.

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