My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

No picture can tell this story

My postings of late have been a bit lame. Unknown to you, my communications with a 21 yo university senior have been maddening. I only recently learned his real name. He’s a mini-me and I start each day with an email from him,a daily 1 hour telephone call and close the day with a note. I’ve never met him, but he’s the closest thing to sanity I’ve got. He’s nailed me on the whole marriage thing. I can’t wiggle away from him. I’m either angry or desiring to wrap my arms around him.

My wife and I are clinging to a life preserver floating in the ocean and no SOS was sent. We’re going to have to perish in order to be reborn. Yet, we hold on stubbornly, hoping that we will be rescued. We live for each other and the thought of life without one another is traumatic.

I’m a little gay. Unfortunately, in the Gay Olympics that enough to play. I’m not into hair styling, I don’t go to Cher concerts and the word "fabulous" is just gay. I may love my wife. But I suck cock. That unfortunately doesn’t make for good long term marriage prospects.

We don’t have a handicapped child, nor money problems, or a drunken in-law or rebellious children. I always think twice when I see a family with such a situation. My wife and I aren’t trying to kill each other. This poor women has done nothing but try and support me.

We’re stuck on the tracks between stations. Anxiously looking out the window for a signal, listening for an announcement. I’m sure I will never find anyone who loves me as much as she does. I will find someone though. She, on the other hand, may be a duck without a mate.

I’m late to this "coming out" game, it’s 4th quarter, 2 minutes on the clock. I’m going to have to sprint. It’s the sudden realization that you may have lived the best part of your life that’s most haunting. You now get the real me, I’m not worried for myself, I’m worried for her. It’s at this point when you know how much you love someone.

11 Comments

  1. Would she be prepared to “do a deal”? You know, the wife and kids upstairs and boyfriend downstairs sort of scenario?
    Whatever resolution you come to, it seems to me that you need to reach one quickly. I don’t think things as they are at the moment are healthy for any party concerned.

  2. Btw, would you have an email link I can email you directly? Just a bit clunky having to go thru comments every time. 🙂

  3. 4th qtr my ass! youre in the 4th overtime.

  4. 4th qtr my ass! youre in the 4th overtime.

  5. This is very poignant, touching, sad, and exciting, all at once. I hope this isn’t a trainwreck we are all watching. I wish the best to both of you, but especially to your wife.

  6. It’s never too late to come out or be who you want to be. At least you still have hope..that you’ll meet someone! I lost that at 26. Good luck in making your exit!

  7. Boy, do I know how you feel. I’ve thought the very same things. I’m worried that my future ex will be alone. I’m not so worried about me being alone, I can handle that. We’ve talk, and pretty much agreed that I take care of her in her old age, so she’s not alone if it comes to that. It’s so weird.

  8. Chris,
    Been away visiting my son in Texas. I decided that while I was away I was going to be completely away and enjoy my visit.
    I’ve now caught up on your blog…..guys like you, Brent and me…..guys who have (had) great wives, we’re quite lucky. Oh disentangling is frustrating….how to do it, where to draw whatever line……, but we’ll get thru it. One day at a time, one blog at a time.
    Mark

  9. well if your in 4th quarter then i must be triple overtime…i sometimes wonder just what the hell i am doing…who would want me ag this age..butr then i stop an athink that i have to be who i am for whatever time there is….and i think i look pretty damn good for mid 50’s…but seriously…..i see where you are at….stuck on an island and you just don’t know which way to go…if you have read any of my blog you know finances with us suck and there is just no way out/….you are still not 50 yet, so you have a lot of living to do yet….perhaps its time to make the call

  10. well if your in 4th quarter then i must be triple overtime…i sometimes wonder just what the hell i am doing…who would want me ag this age..butr then i stop an athink that i have to be who i am for whatever time there is….and i think i look pretty damn good for mid 50’s…but seriously…..i see where you are at….stuck on an island and you just don’t know which way to go…if you have read any of my blog you know finances with us suck and there is just no way out/….you are still not 50 yet, so you have a lot of living to do yet….perhaps its time to make the call

  11. I thought you might find it interesting to hear from a woman who was in the situation your wife is in now. Married with kids, the man I married decided after ten years to go live a gay life instead. We were best friends and lovers and trying for another baby.. It’s interesting to read your comments because nearly everything you say is totally centred around you – even ‘your’ worry for your wife. At some stage, probably gradually, your wife will leave you – physically, spiritually, perhaps financially and definitely emotionally. You may not read the signs but they are there. Gay ex-husbands like to say to themselves that they and their wives will eventually be friends – and go to great lengths to convince themselves and others of this. There may be some kind of communication but the kind of intimacy you once had can never be retained, once trust is broken or a partner betrayed. It doesn’t matter if you break that trust by sleeping with a man or a woman. That bit in a sense is immaterial! I hope your wife does manage to move on, to create a new life for herself and, eventually if she wants to, find a new partner to trust and to love and who will in turn trust and love her. Her anger and grief will probably be necessary fuel for that journey. And if you have ever had any feelings of genuine love for her, you must let her go. Completely. No strings attached. It’s the very least you can do…. Let your wife read this and know that I wish her well.

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