My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Mad as hell

In early August, Scrappy’s mother fell ill and was in hospital. It sounded iffy so Scrappy flew immediately back to Canada. She recovered but she knew that another brain surgery would be required. If you think national health care is a great idea, this story will set you back a piece, Canada’s health care system basically sucks.

The doctor scheduled a check-up visit for mid-September. At the visit, they scheduled the surgery for 5 weeks in the future.  The doctor and hospital having a busy schedule. Last Friday, the whole family turns up at the hospital for a pre-op. Blood testing and other stuff. Yesterday morning at a bright 6.30 a.m Scrappy, his mother, father and sister are at the hospital for the operation. His mother is expected to remain in hospital for a week to recover. It’s anxious at best.

They prep Scrappy’s mother, shave head, IV’s, ready for surgery that is until the doctor walks in and advises that the hospital has no ICU beds free and there is no way they can operate today. An hour later the family piles back into the car and home they head. A few hours afterwards they get a new date for the surgery 2 more weeks in the future. Which basically means sometime near the end of November before Scrappy would return.

At this point, I’m closing in on 3 months without Scrappy. I realize he can’t control the Canadian health care system or his mother’s own health. I’m trying to be a big boy. But Scrappy’s mother isn’t incapacitated, she’s up and about shopping at Walmart.  Scrappy is busy hanging out with family and friend’s and doing what the bulk of Caribbeans seem to do, be lazy. He’s back to being a teenager.

In talking with Scrappy he let slip that he had told his parents he wanted to return to Hong Kong on the 21. November. I got quietly upset. It became apparent to me that he had planned all along not to return until then no matter what. I fumed in silence.

Keeping a gay relationship going is like trying to hold 2 magnets together on the wrong poles. I am trying to be all grown up and understand not only his family situation but that I’m asking for him to trust me to re-pot him on the other side of the earth, far away from all his friends and the comforts he knows.

Relationships often crumble, the result of years of neglect and not usually the result of a single act. I’m thinking of all the months that Scrappy has left me on my own. He lingered in London, he stayed in New York, the numerous trips to Canada, the failed Caribbean cruise ship venture.

All along, I’ve patiently and quietly endured and knowing that he would eventually return. It’s the constant saying of good-bye that has me weary. Scrappy has been good, he stays in constant communication but I’ve slowly worn thin on all of this. I’m facing fewer years forward than backward and I need to make the best of the time.

But perhaps this is “best in class” for what I can expect from a gay relationship. A snap of my fingers and I could turn the flood gates on of Asian snap dragons here in Hong Kong, but in that sea of ramen would I find a more fitting relationship?


  1. yeah, yea, Scrappy and his semi-shit. Life. deal with it, scrappy. PS to you: When was the last time you had a meaningful discussion with your children. Fuck scrappy (or, stop imagining your fucked up relationship with Scrappy), and tell me what makes you deserve the honor of calling yourself a father. There’s my two cents (opinionated, and uncalled for)

  2. “I’m facing fewer years forward than backward and I need to make the best of the time.”

    And Scrappy is the opposite. He’s young and wants to explore and live and try new things. That’s what young people do.

    Also, he’ll never have a family so why does he need to be in a hurry to grow up? He doesn’t.

    Scrappy’s life priorities and yours will frequently be at odds. It’s not so much a gay thing as it is an age thing.

  3. Thanks for writing out your thoughts.

    Have you considered Scrappy’s homesickness? Professor Susan Matt has an interesting take on the this universal emotion in a newly published book. He may never be comfortable living all over the world as you are (or seem to be). Maybe you should consider settling down in Toronto. You can always drive to Buffalo for your prostate exams.

  4. No, Chris, I think you already know when you ask such questions that this is not the best in class of gay relationships. But as long as you, even tongue in cheek, discuss what’s out there as a sea of ramen, perhaps it’s the best you’re going to get.

    As to indcdon’s comment, it is uncalled for. You open yourself up and share with us, and I think on point comments to what you have said are fair game, but this comment was not. (perhaps also opinionated and uncalled for)

  5. That’s not a gay relationship – it is a long distance relationship with a much younger man! You need to figure out where you will settle down….. but I’m sure you will find some company in HK:)

  6. I agree you need to make the best of your time. I’m sure you are talking with Scrappy about what you are going through. It’s tough with young guys; I’m lucky with mine who is 24 years younger but is pretty mature.

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