My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Lie to me

A number of thought provoking comments in the last days, one reader in particular climbed up on their soapbox and exclaimed how my wife must feel having lived a “life of lies”. Good point.

I don’t think my wife feels that way. We had a great life together, it’s been a loving relationship, we’re great companions, she has two great kids, a home she’s proud of, an active social life and a great rewarding job in education. Ain’t great a great word. She recognizes there is a part of me that perhaps I didn’t fully realize, but on the whole I was who I had advertised.  Course you’re welcome to ask her yourself.

A key point is until the last blip of our marriage, I was loyal, trustworthy and devoted. I severely regret the moments where I went off reservation, but frankly, it probably couldn’t have been helped. I did a full disclosure and begged for forgiveness. I took my lumps and resumed flying right. If you can’t trust someone, how can you possibility build or maintain a relationship?

Now I think the story is a wee bit different for those married guys who have been living on the downlow for years. Whoring about on a business trip, Manhunt, Craiglist, god knows whatever else. Thinking and doing are two very separate things and once you start the doing, you kinda of have a definitive answer and it’s truly a character flaw if you can ‘t recognize it. In these cases, once the full depth of the lies is revealed, it clearly has the power to crumple the tower of trust.

On the other side, a friend of mine is involved with a married guy with kids. The married guy finally broke down and told his wife. Well his wife wasn’t too happy with it, thought it might just be a “phase”, told him to break it off and resume married life.  He’s trying but sucking cock is not a phase , it’s a life style. What part of delusionally does this couple not get? In their case, they’ve both agreed to lie to themselves. Hope that works for them.

One of my biggest flaws is I just tell it like it is. I have no filter and I have only a single news feed, everyone hears the same story. I watch people craft their messaging depending upon the listener and how they want to be perceived.  Fuck that, too much work and in the end, you’re not even sure what the truth is anymore. Politicians suffer greatly from this.

My point is do the right thing and do it as soon as you’ve got the facts, be mindful of other emotions but mainly be mindful of your own. Days it will be a rocky road, hard on your barefeet, but hopefully others will eventually recognize you attempted to do the right thing.

4 Comments

  1. Ah, Chris, how I have walked in those shoes. You tell a story that I could have told, but do it so much more eloquently! Many years of marriage, that blip you describe, the coming out, the dealing with it. My ex-wife, now remarried, came to terms with it all, and eventually understood our entire life had not been a lie. My children recognize that I did the right thing. Others – some do, some don’t, but they’re not the important players in the story. Almost 8 year post-separation, 7 years post divorce, 5 1/2 years partnered to a great guy. Younger than me, maybe the same age difference as you and TC, but the difference is that my partner was 30 when we met, and a very mature 30. So much sounds right in your relationship with TC, but he’s going to have to step up to the maturity plate, as they say, in my humble opinion. Seems to me that he has to decide whether to accept what you hold out to him or not, and if he can’t, well, it’s your story as you have said many times, and I know you know what the next chapter would have to be.

  2. Chis you are so right about honesty. I am not perfect, and I have come clean and take the appropriate lumps.

    There is only one reason why K and I are still best friends and that relationship will continue is because I was as honest with her as I could. Revealing as much information to her as I could as soon as I had it.

    When a gay man comes out to his straight wife the only hope retaining a good relationship lies in the trust you have built with her over the years.

  3. Chris — before you acted on your gay revelation, do you think you were bi-sexual or just suppressing your gayness? I can see how for some guys, sexuality is fluid so i believe that there truly are bisexual guys. What’s curious is that many bi-guys rationalize that sleeping with guys on the DL is not inconsistent with being faithful to their wives, that they would never cheat on their wives with another woman but its OK for them to cheat with a guy. I’m not judging their choices, everyone has circumstances particular to them, and many feel guilty about cheating but of course they continue to do so. Many argue that it’s better to maintain the facade for the sake of children and not wanting to hurt their wives. I wonder if you ever considered this course of action? Can you discuss in one of your future posts why coming out was better for you — besides the fact that you are a straight shooter.

  4. I agree with you Chris, it was not a life of lies. I feel the same of my 29 years with my wife (separated now), but she may not at this point. I hope she arrives to realize that the kids, the love, everything was real, someday. I only played around the last 4 years and like one of the commenters said, I kind of felt it wasn’t cheating since it wasn’t with another woman. Eventually I realized I couldn’t continue on the DL – I needed to come clean to become more integrated, or whole. I just wish I had done it with more finesse.

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