My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Let it snow

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not a terribly tolerant person and god has certainly dealt me a rebuke with my current circumstances. I’m into the conventional. Man marries wife, get house, wife takes care of environment, has kiddies, I mow the lawn, get old, die. Life worked like that. Earlier, I had struggled with the “far out” notion that the husband next door did all the cooking, which I thought strange. Now look at me, gez.

In the last years, I have seen all sorts of unconventional gay relationships. Guys with their gaggle of homo friends, keeping them from love, couples in sexless relationships sans for bit of cheating strange on the side, weird sexless more than friendship friendships, couples who really aren’t a couple, fuck buddies, relationships that never die but never seem to really get together (the I’ll see you next week). It’s all rather bizarre. It’s also not the greatest of foundations to build.

TC is fresh from his salon Christmas party where the Queer as Folk member (who I had dinner with) is providing intimate deals about his rather raw sex life with his partner, a mature professional. TC is a bit embarrassed, but it prompts me to ask if he’s OK with our rather vanilla private moments. He yelps he’s quite happy, our life together seems quite normal.

But he’s not done yelping, TC is quite insecure and pacing his cage. He feels like I’m the ‘real’ deal, someone to trust, but in the back of his mind, I have the upper hand, I could drop him from one day to the next and leave him wherever in the world we might be and in a bad condition. Similarly, I’m the old goat, I kinda of get used to having him around, he could easily cheat or dump me for whatever newer stud comes along, leaving me in a similar emotional condition. Welcome to the gayborhood!

High sexual energy, insecurity and no long-term glue. Not a heart warming chicken soup recipe. It’s a recipe for continued disaster. As a “straight” guy entering this world without the benefit of having grown up it this world, I glaringly see all the iceberg. However, not having grown up in it also means I often lack the needed rudder to steer around them.

Enter the snow tiger (with a Canada Goose jacket), deep down he wants to be protected and nurtured, but he also fears being hurt and abandoned. The nice man holding the doggie treat presents a dilemma. What to do?

It is so hard to take that leap of faith. To trust implicitly. A marriage often entails wide acceptance (and equal pressure) by family and friends, an automatic legal infrastructure and a flow into normal society. TC and I likely won’t have that. In the end, deep trust between ourselves will be the only bonding matter. Will it be enough?

5 Comments

  1. I suspect if you were not so far apart you would each feel better. Work on that. I think you’ll be glad you did.

  2. Chris: Of course deep trust is needed to soothe the insecurities but also some concrete examples to solidify the relationship. This topic has been discussed many times over but you both can’t seem to get past it. That’s a problem that you the problem solver need to tackle. Your Tiger won’t be happy until he knows the leash is also a chain to your ankle.

  3. Fan of Casey is right, Chris. As an insecure money man myself, perhaps my viewpoint is blinkered but it seems to me that TC wants to be your wife – with all that goes with it. Like a heterosexual wife. That means a financial, emotional and reputational stake in your life to the exclusion of all others,including your wife and kids. The trouble is, to put it bluntly, he can’t give more than emotion/love. That is normal in many straight relationships. You can do that. What happens from here depends on you and the risks you are willing to take. Will you pool assets, give TC a stake in your assets, your house and your will at the expense of your kids? It’s what happens in second straight marriages. I wonder if you and TC have dismissed the way most gays approach these things?

    Nick
    Http:// gaymoneyman.blogspot.com

  4. Chicken or the Tiger? I wonder if not having that acceptance in the law and with family dooms gay relationships even from the start?

    You and the tiger clearly have something….besides all this drama which makes for great writing.

    I cant wait to see snow!

  5. Gosh all your fans do want a happy ending, don’t they?

    Me? I see TC as insecure and immature. Of course, he could invest in you and end up on the losing end. However, you ain’t getting any younger (said by someone older than you, so it’s OK!), and what about your risk? Investing time in someone as young as TC and finding, when perhaps the picking’s have gotten even slimmer, that he’s scampered off elsewhere and left his aging lover behind. Risks are on both sides of every relationship, they’re just different, and until TC sees this is two sided, you don’t have a mature relationship building. I understand his concerns, just have a real concern for you that he doesn’t factor in yours.

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