In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not a terribly tolerant person and god has certainly dealt me a rebuke with my current circumstances. I’m into the conventional. Man marries wife, get house, wife takes care of environment, has kiddies, I mow the lawn, get old, die. Life worked like that. Earlier, I had struggled with the “far out” notion that the husband next door did all the cooking, which I thought strange. Now look at me, gez.
In the last years, I have seen all sorts of unconventional gay relationships. Guys with their gaggle of homo friends, keeping them from love, couples in sexless relationships sans for bit of cheating strange on the side, weird sexless more than friendship friendships, couples who really aren’t a couple, fuck buddies, relationships that never die but never seem to really get together (the I’ll see you next week). It’s all rather bizarre. It’s also not the greatest of foundations to build.
TC is fresh from his salon Christmas party where the Queer as Folk member (who I had dinner with) is providing intimate deals about his rather raw sex life with his partner, a mature professional. TC is a bit embarrassed, but it prompts me to ask if he’s OK with our rather vanilla private moments. He yelps he’s quite happy, our life together seems quite normal.
But he’s not done yelping, TC is quite insecure and pacing his cage. He feels like I’m the ‘real’ deal, someone to trust, but in the back of his mind, I have the upper hand, I could drop him from one day to the next and leave him wherever in the world we might be and in a bad condition. Similarly, I’m the old goat, I kinda of get used to having him around, he could easily cheat or dump me for whatever newer stud comes along, leaving me in a similar emotional condition. Welcome to the gayborhood!
High sexual energy, insecurity and no long-term glue. Not a heart warming chicken soup recipe. It’s a recipe for continued disaster. As a “straight” guy entering this world without the benefit of having grown up it this world, I glaringly see all the iceberg. However, not having grown up in it also means I often lack the needed rudder to steer around them.
Enter the snow tiger (with a Canada Goose jacket), deep down he wants to be protected and nurtured, but he also fears being hurt and abandoned. The nice man holding the doggie treat presents a dilemma. What to do?
It is so hard to take that leap of faith. To trust implicitly. A marriage often entails wide acceptance (and equal pressure) by family and friends, an automatic legal infrastructure and a flow into normal society. TC and I likely won’t have that. In the end, deep trust between ourselves will be the only bonding matter. Will it be enough?