My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Layers of cake

I’ve written often that my biggest surprise is the level of immaturity with most gay men. It still surprises me. My friend in Chicago, 38 years old, talks to me like a school girl about his 3 take-home dates this weekend and his continued obsession with anything < 30. My other friend, also in his late 30’s, is (or was) an organizer of a gay meet-up group who got into a public pissing contest with the other organizer (a lesbian older woman). It’s all comical and juvenile.

Scrappy has shades in this camp. He’s been at home with his parent since August, supposedly tending his sick mother (who seems to go out every night). Hanging out with his friends, not working, enjoying life and most importantly not making any money.

I have very simple requirements. (1) Keep my 3 buckets of love, companionship & sex full, (2) sleep growling next to me each night, (3) cook, clean and mostly take care of me. I really don’t want a fruit with aspirations of some big career. Let me make it easy on you, I  want a man-wife.  It’s that simple.

But it’s not all one way. I’ve got to contribute to this. Mostly I have to provide a secure environment for my fruit cake. I talked with my wife about my relationship with Scrappy. I need to step my own game up. I’m in the midst of sorting out health care, he can’t run around with no insurance, Canada be damned. I also have agreed to pay him a monthly allowance that he can bank away or spend on clothes or whatever personal he wants.

Before you start screaming sugar daddy. The reality if I were to get married to a woman, roam about the world expecting her to follow, she’d have requirements to protect herself, and let’s not forget that the law would mostly be on her side in the event of a break up. Why should things with Scrappy be any different?

Yes, I expect him to work assuming he can and we’re in one country long enough. But if things go sour, I don’t want him to be screwed over.  The irony is my wife is in agreement with this plan. She know Scrappy is sincere and recognizes we must take care of each other.

I am trying to power forward to the next level of this game. Yes, I might slide now and again but f*ck it, this wagon train is gonna move. It’s way to easy to fall into the homo life rut.


  1. You sound like a sugar daddy to me, and you are trying to justify it…I don’t see how you qualify to judge other gay people and pass out advice.

  2. Congratulations!!!! – Finally, progress….your thought process has been so stuck in the norms of the gay world – you forgot all that you learned and built in the str8 world. Your absolutely correct, even if you can’t legally marry Scrappy (although you could in Canada & you can’t as your still married in the USA anyway)….you need to still treat him that way & give him all of the honor of the position he holds in your life. Only then can you hold him accountable to do the same for you, stressing the stability you would prefer he offer you. Next is deciding how much you still have to hide him from those on the periphery of your life. I found its hard enough agreeing to become a second class citizen as the world see’s us, but its far worse if we think & present ourselves that way. It’s been interesting to see how long it has taken you to do the mental aerobics to figure all of this out, and again I congratulate you this, coming from someone myself that raised a family/wife & did all the corporate stuff, if it was good enough for my wife – then is should also be good enough for my futher husband. (p.s. it does not make you a sugar daddy)….

  3. Chris,

    I like your writing style. I especially like it when you aren’t politically correct (like using the words “fag” and “homo”).

    I’m glad you “tell it like it is” about some of the “gay culture”. I’ve also entountered some of the negative aspects of gay life. Having said that, I’ve also met many, many gay men who lead “normal”, “regular” every day lives and don’t engage in the percieved negative aspects of homosexual lifestyles. I agree with your assessment that straight life can be just as negative (we just don’t notice it as often as we could).

    I’ve read a great deal of your “The beginning of the story” and what you describe is a coming out journey that relates to mine in so many ways. Obviously, we have different paths and our stories do not match completely. I have been fortunate to find a wonderful man who completely fulfills my emotional, sexual and intellectual needs. I think I am doing the same for him.

    Regarding this post, I’m not sure it’s as simple as you state.

    I do understand your requirement(1) and I think I get (2) but you’ve lost me on (3). I’m assuming anyone that willingly enters into a “man-wife” relationship in the way you are describing must have self confidence and/or self-esteem issues. The requirement to “cook, clean and mostly take care of me” seems to describe a life of subservience. I wondered as I read it, are you saying this “tongue in cheek”?

    If you are serious and if I’m correct in “reading” you, I’m not sure you’d actually be fulfilled by someone like that. Unless I’m mistaken, the relationship wouldn’t be very deep and while it might be fun for a time, eventually the relationship would grow weary and tiresome (for both of you).

    I’m also concerned about what the last requirement is modelling for your kids.

    Have you considered a requirement for your partner to understand and support the bond/relationship between a father and his children? It was very important to me to find another gay father because I believe only he can truly understand the unique and special dimension that being a gay father brings to our lives (no slight intended to non-fathers).

    What I also didn’t find in your post is what will you be giving to the relationship (aside from financial support)? If you are also giving equal portions of all three categories above, then I’d say you’d have a balanced relationship and it ought to be successful.

    Thank you for sharing your story, I find it fascinating.

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