The answer is “Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop”, from Alice in Wonderland seems most appropriate. I’ve realized the sad whine from all of the various blogs on this “I’m married but like cock” topic (mine as well). A mobius loop that just goes round and round with no end in sight.
Chris had said he knew he was gay as early as 10-11 years old. He detailed his wrestling with a neighbor’s kid (who turned out to be gay as well). He came out to his sister first and then went on to tell the difficulties in convincing his parents (who refused to believe it at first). Early boyfriends, his first time. All very interesting. But I had none of that. I didn’t know.
So here we collectively sit, mourning what to do next. Cock hunters that we are. Middle aged. Obligations. Family. Job. Fear of being alone. Fear of hurting the ones we love. Fear of fear.
But, I’m a firm believer in you are where you are, because that’s where you want to be. So I’m not complaining or whining any longer.
So dear reader, if you’ve been following this ongoing diatribe, my answer may be quite obvious to you. Like a TV game show, you may be yelling the answer at your screen, while the contestant continues to answer the questions incorrectly. But it’s not obvious to me and unfortunately my answer is the only one that counts.
I’ve realized this isn’t a decision per se that I’m seeking. It’s understanding. An understanding of who am I and being comfortable with that answer whatever that may be. I opened a closed door, there is no sealing it back now. Like a math problem that got more complex. It doesn’t mean it can’t be solved, simply there are now more variables.
I’m exploring. I will continue to explore until I reach the end of my journey. Then, and only then, will I stop. Until then, I’d like to buy a vowel.