A bike ride thru the idylic German countryside yesterday, but by mid-afternoon I'm lounging back in the bed, the late night in the club finally weighing on me. TC laying next to me, he wants me to talk more about "feelings" in this blog rather than entertaining you. How freaking gay is that? Feelings my ass, come feel this.
The reality, I'm still mourning the death of Chris (me). The life I had, knew and was comfortable with is no longer. My little house, little wife, kids scampering about, going to Home Depot, kill n' grill it weekend feasts — it's all gone. In it's place now is uncertainty. Uncertainty mainly about who I am and what this new life holds.
There are moments where the desire hits to rewind the clock. My life wasn't so bad before, can't I go back? But TC jolts me with the "honey, you're queer" statement. Huh? "Chris, in a club you're like a fishing trawler with a mile long net out, without me checking you, you'd of reeled a hundred boys in the other night, get over it, it's what you want". 100s? Nah, I like my boys line caught, one at a time.
Years ago, I visited one of our offices and met with a new colleague. In his office a framed picture of a little girl and a fingerpainting hung on the wall. With this point of interest, I inquired about his family which unleashed a 30 minute discusson about how his little girl had died tragically. She had been run over in front of their house by the very school bus that had moments before safely dropped her off. He went on about how he advocated the use of guard arms that pop out on school buses you see today. I left his office totally unsettled. I hadn't asked when this accident had occurred, but his raw emotion made it seem recent. Later that day, speaking to another colleague, I repeated the story. He nodded and then told me the tragedy that seemed oh so fresh to me had actually occurred almost 10 years ago.
Well my situation isn't nearly as tragic, I think about how you have to move on, hard as it may be, accept the reality of the situation and then go on to make the best of it. I'm trying.