In Amsterdam, Chris has given me his cold, great, just what I need. Been having bit of a woman moment. We went to a nice dinner in a rustic bistro filled with locals, great meal and environment. We later went for some drinks, ended up at a youth hostel (easy big guy). I had to work today, so went back to hotel, Chris, on vacation, stayed out.
He tumbled back to the hotel this morning at 7 a.m. I’m sure there’s a story and no I don’t think he got into trouble. But at 4 a.m. I was laying awake wondering if he was OK. Our schedules are polar opposites, he’s a perennial night owl, I’m in bed at 10. No matter, I’m tired of worrying about him.
In talking to Chris, it’s clear, I’m just a really nice guy whose come into his life. He’s gonna go back to Canada for a "couple of months", then figure out what he wants to do next. He’s all very honest about it. He’s not looking to see other guys, happy with me. An he’s quite affectionate in all regards. I can’t complain.
But I’m worried now more about me. I’d be terribly lonely without him right now. However, I’m clearly getting all wrapped around TC. Despite all our differences, there is a lot of warmth between us. He’s learning my quirks and I his. We end up laughing a lot. My fear is I’m investing my emotional capital knowing full well he’s going to leave. I sure it will be teary for both of us, but he’ll turn and look on to the next adventure and I will in time simply be a faded memory. "The guy I first went to Amsterdam with".
I think I need to do something to protect myself. Struggling, but I’ve written I think I need to kick back our relationship to simply being friends. Meaning no more sleepy time, no happy endings. But what kind of relationship am I open to? Temporary apartment, married, unsure where I myself will be in six months. Pick of the litter I’m not.
Maybe I just need to be alone. It all sounds quite sad. If I’m riding on the gay train, I might as well go First Class and start being unhappy now.