February 2007 – My pain is now immense. I want, need and must have some change in my life. This just can’t go on. I’m feeling all bottled up. I want this all to get out, out for everyone to see. I consider myself an honest person, but I’m living dual lives and I want the wall to come down. I need to tell my wife what’s going on.

William is still in the picture, he is urging caution. Move slowly. My therapist is also asking, "what’s the hurry?"

William is telling me to consult a lawyer first, my wife is going to clean my clock. My therapist is telling me that I could get thrown out of the house, my wife might accuse me of molesting the children. What they are all telling me is I need a plan.

But I know my wife, we’re friends, companions, we’ve been together 15+ years, she knows how I think, surely she can help me with this, but we’re not really talking right now.

The therapist recommends we get a joint marriage counselor to open up the communication channel between. I go home and tell my wife, she freaks out, cries, yells at me. NO – she’s not going to joint therapy. NO – she’s not going to tell a total stranger about our problems. NO. NO. NO.

The next day, after she agrees to go to counseling, I book an appointment for the next week.