My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Everyone is an actor

I'm on the train from New York to Washington, the weekend almost gone. Great weather, several good meals, super hotel, meeting with some friends and saw the musical "Gypsy". Nonetheless, my stress level is very high, imagine me, emotionally fragile. Drama, as well, never seems far off either.

After queuing for 1 hour to buy theater tickets, I got 30 minutes of lecture from TC on my misbehaving in line. I was in a good spirits but he felt I had played up the "sugar daddy" role with 2 women with whom we'd stood in line with. Tears welled in my eyes as I laid on the bed and listened. I apologized repeatly and some how the weekend went on and the incident was quickly forgotten. 
Today, lugging my laptop bag and a heavy rolling suitcare missing one of its 4 rolling wheels through Penn Station, TC is headed to a cousin in Long Island. He wants to go sit outside, its a great day afterall, but I'm tired of schleping all this stuff and am content to sit on the floor of the station. TC storms off. A short while later I find him sitting in a train car, I wait patiently outside for 10 minutes. He glances up only once and offers a quick wave. Tears once again well in my eyes as his train pulls away. No hug. No kiss good bye. No thanks for the weekend. An otherwise great weekend ends on a sour note, because I refused to sit outside. 
Now I am far from a perfect person. I make mistakes, sometimes even repeating them. But I say I'm sorry. I try and make up for it. I care.
I haven't snapped at TC yet. Maybe because he's young and can't really fathom the issues in my life. Maybe I am this horrible troll that needs to be straightened out. Maybe I'm holding on when I should let go because so many other things are spinning out of control. Maybe I just don't have the energy to fight back.
I drudge on. I won't have the answer today. 

6 Comments

  1. Hi Chris, must admit I was a bit taken aback by the vulnerability you showed in this post. But the bottom line is – my heart goes out to you.
    It must have been harrowing having to deal with so many uncertainties at the same time. I suspect you’ve done it before though, except this time, there are more at stake, eg, many people’s feelings, your feelings, etc. It seems to me that at this juncture of your life, everything has been tipped upside down and the only thing you have been leaning on as a constant is far from stable.
    Soldier on, mate. There is a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel but it takes hard work and tough decisions to get to the right end sometimes. One step at a time and roll with it. You know you have the energy to fight back but you need to take occasional breaks to recharge.
    xo

  2. Your relationship with TC mirrors my first serious relationship. I feel for you and I feel the need to apologize to my ex as I see so many of my behaviors in TC. You seem to have a level head and an abundance of wisdom so I am sure you will be fine but I do wish you a speedy recovery from your current state.

  3. Mate…brown boys have a lot of drama and bitchyness..I should now..but he probably is just insecure about the whole thing.

  4. Chris,
    I echo “Sunshines” sentiments……my heart goes out to you…..
    Mark

  5. Chris, You need a hug. You will snap out of it and feel better.
    But if you find yourself in this situation too much more with TC, you will have to reconsider. It’s no way to have a relationship in which you are always apologizing.
    I should know.

  6. **Please read with a sarcastic tone in mind.
    ‘Chris, he is VERY YOUNG and HANDSOME, beautiful ADDITUDE; plus he has LOTS of things going for him. Makeup school!? hello! I mean, for gods sakes, he’s a freaken catch. You should be thankful to even talk to him.
    Look – You deserve being treated the way he’s treating you. You probably like it anyway.
    I’m starting to see the true Chris..TC is your pup, but your his bitch..’
    —————-
    PS. ManHunt has cuter/bitchier guys than him if that’s your thing.

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