I'm on the train from New York to Washington, the weekend almost gone. Great weather, several good meals, super hotel, meeting with some friends and saw the musical "Gypsy". Nonetheless, my stress level is very high, imagine me, emotionally fragile. Drama, as well, never seems far off either.
After queuing for 1 hour to buy theater tickets, I got 30 minutes of lecture from TC on my misbehaving in line. I was in a good spirits but he felt I had played up the "sugar daddy" role with 2 women with whom we'd stood in line with. Tears welled in my eyes as I laid on the bed and listened. I apologized repeatly and some how the weekend went on and the incident was quickly forgotten.
Today, lugging my laptop bag and a heavy rolling suitcare missing one of its 4 rolling wheels through Penn Station, TC is headed to a cousin in Long Island. He wants to go sit outside, its a great day afterall, but I'm tired of schleping all this stuff and am content to sit on the floor of the station. TC storms off. A short while later I find him sitting in a train car, I wait patiently outside for 10 minutes. He glances up only once and offers a quick wave. Tears once again well in my eyes as his train pulls away. No hug. No kiss good bye. No thanks for the weekend. An otherwise great weekend ends on a sour note, because I refused to sit outside.
Now I am far from a perfect person. I make mistakes, sometimes even repeating them. But I say I'm sorry. I try and make up for it. I care.
I haven't snapped at TC yet. Maybe because he's young and can't really fathom the issues in my life. Maybe I am this horrible troll that needs to be straightened out. Maybe I'm holding on when I should let go because so many other things are spinning out of control. Maybe I just don't have the energy to fight back.
I drudge on. I won't have the answer today.