My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Don’t mess with those brown families

TC informed me last night that he wasn't planning on coming to DC until January 4th "earliest". After having talked about our mutual plans for New Year's Eve, I was stunned and he knew it. Our call ended quickly and I left hurt. This was clearly not my understanding of how things would proceed.

Today, TC avoided me for most of the day, Skype, email, calls. I was both mad and understanding. Late afternoon, my tiger gets on the phone, speaking very quietly, he's sad. He's not sure he can come to DC. Unfortunately, if he's not coming here, our relationship is, wel,l no more. He seems sad about that too.

Is it me and you together? No, we're pretty solid. I'm his best friend, companion and survivor of his cooking and we have a lot of not only sexual energy, but love as well. Is it DC? We talk on, yes a bit, DC isn't London, but it isn't forever and this is how the cards are playing out. Well what is it then?

The underlying issue is TC's family. His large extended family in a tight Caribbean community where gossip runs rampant. The Caribbean world doesn't accept gays at all (kill'em and cook'em seems to be the motto) so Chris is already at risk. His family tolerates he's gay, as long as he doesn't live a gay lifestyle.

Living in DC, his family will want to visit, including many cousins and in short order they will learn about me no matter how we try and spin it. Little brown rent boy with sugar daddy is how the story will be told. It will eventually come back to his parents and they'll be the talk of the 'hood. He then imagines the grief from his parents, they won't approach the subject directly, they'll talk around it and clearly in a non-approving manner. More stress for him.

Now the reality is people who know us together simply refer to us as Chris2 and we're just normal fruits getting on with life together. I suspect his dad might well enjoy a chat with me under other circumstances.

The brown world with their large extended families can often be particularly harsh if you don't follow the cultural rules. The family unit was their key to survival in harsh times and that culture still prevails. None of this families like having an odd bird.

I offer TC protection and support, I hope my love and his love will endure so he can make an intelligent decision for himself and break out.


  1. As I said, do cell phones do not work at grandmas’ house? He has been pulling away from you for quite a while now; it’s about time you realized it.
    You are so right, you need a gay friend, someone who will tell you the truth (and then you can choose to ignore the good advice, or accept it, or do whatever you want). My gay friendly advice? : Drop the tiger. You write: -“I can take a fucked up love life, I can take a fucked up career, but not both at the same time” (or something like that). My question: Do you really thing these two events are unconnected? The cash is slow, the Tiger is cold. Do you see a pattern?
    You are the sugar daddy, he is the young man with no education, no future, no job, but a hunger for “Tokyo, London, Paris.” You lose your job, you tell him, “hey, how’s about we get an apartment together in NoVa? (Reston or thereabouts, or maybe DC if you can afford it). He says, “Fuck that, I want Tokyo.”
    My question for you: What do you really see in him? As far as anything you have ever written about him, he is shallow, ignorant, uneducated. Is he really what you want in life? Look, there are PLENTY of smart gay guys in DC, you don’t need to settle for Toronto Trash. If you want my true advice, call me.

  2. It’s one big roller-coaster with you two! I can’t keep up!

  3. It seems from this post that Christ is not actually available. A person who is uncomfortable being “out” is ultimately unavailable to be in an long-term relationship.
    By the way, as a “brown person,” this whole, “brown world” business strikes me as subconsciously racist. Though perhaps this is just your anger and frustration leaking through.

  4. I can feel you heart breaking……it seems that it will happen either bit by bit if you continue to try and make things “right” for TC….or all at once if you and TC call it off.
    I don’t know what advise to give…… I’ll just be here for you. I feel terribly sad for you.

  5. More drama than as the world turns!!! Brown boys come with bagggage and it seems you have exceeded the 20KG limit:( Relationships…so complicated!

  6. Chris: So sorry for your obvious pain. Sometimes though two people are wanting each other, one or both are in places in life that doesn’t allow it. In other circumstances… My first real relationship after divorce was with a guy who couldn’t come out to his family – a zillion reasons – I tried not to judge, given what I had done previously with my own life, but eventually all I could come up with was I had lived too long in my own closet to go back into his. We broke up. I met someone else, with whom I’m celebrating our 4th anniversary this coming week – he is wonderful, we live together, are part of each other’s lives, family and otherwise, and all is well. My ex eventually did come out to his family, too late for us, but now has a bf who isn’t out to his own family, and feels the frustration I used to feel.
    I make no judgment of TC – he’s very young, and it takes time, but one thing I have to say, the fact that he would consider more “glamorous places” to live if you would fund that for him, but not be with you in DC because it’s apparently too pedestrian – well, that doesn’t speak well of him, or at least says he has some growing up to do until he’s worthy of being with you.
    If you two guys can work it out, wonderful, but as I see it, he’s not at a place in life, whether it’s age, family, maturity, whatever, to commit to you as you need him to, and if that’s the case, the sooner you recognize it, the better off you will be, even if there’s hurt in the short run.

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