My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Dark moments, the sun will rise again

Let me pause now for a female moment. Last week in Cologne, Germany. I’m in my little hotel bed on the 9th floor. Snug as bug. Trains rumbling through at the nearby station. There in the darkness I lie, crocodile size tears streaming down my cheek. I’m feeling the emotional pain of all that has gone on. I need to stop digging, I’m at the bottom of the hole already. For one split instant, I think about climbing out on the ledge. More tears.

I cried when my 2nd son was born. It rumbled out of me in a volcanic eruption, uncontrolled, it just happened. That was a moment of joy, but this time, it wasn’t joy. I’m not happy with the current situation but feel powerless to change it. That’s just bullshit. You always have the power, you may not have the desire though.

So instead of trying to regain control of my vessel, like a drunken sailor in the wheelhouse, I’m steering all over the map, my compass spinning wildly. Chris in London, TV-guy texting away to me and developing a weird relationship with another horribly sweet college student. To further complicate my story, let’s go on an 80% travel schedule that has me flitting all around Europe. Oh … did I forget I’m looking for a real relationship. Yeah, right.

Folks, I wouldn’t go for popcorn right now, the best is yet to happen. Noooo … you don’t need to worry about me. The right thing to do will happen, I have to let this reel roll off first, so sit back and enjoy the show.

4 Comments

  1. Mate, I think I was much the same last year after I came out…my “roller coaster ride” my friends called it. I was all over the place, wanting a relationship, but tarting myself around at the same time; delighted to be out, but also looking back at what I’d left behind. I think everyone goes through it, but trust me, you do settle down and sort yourself out. Big Aussie Hug!!!

  2. More Aussie/Brown hugs:) It does get better…but I find myself crying 10 years after coming out..for a different reason. Met another married blog guy today!

  3. Hear ya on that one. Sometimes I get like that, eventhough I’m not happy with the situation, it feels that I can’t do anything about it.
    I get phases like that, wanna get into something, then not. Or just not knowing who to pick.
    Just take it one step at a time but know that things do get better, no matter how long. *Hugs

  4. You are real with yourself… that’s unbelievably admirable.

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