It’s 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning and TC is calling. His cheap roommates won’t turn on the A/C and he can’t sleep. But mainly he wants to growl at me about going out the other night. Like a satisfied dog, he’s had a good bark and lets me talk. What I talk about, I have no idea, but somewhere along the line, he literally falls back asleep on the phone. A soft purr comes thru the line. I hang up, realizing he simply needed to hear my voice to put him back at ease.
The events of the other night have continued to roll thru my mind. I told him this morning that my alone in the ‘hood days are now officially over. A valuable lesson learned. But why do I do this? I recognize now that I am terribly fearful that he will leave me, but yet I will never leave him. I worry constantly about our great age difference but am awed by the emotional intensity of our relationship. I am inspired by his artistic capabilities and seek to encourage him to pursue them. I worry my own demands may over shadow his own needs. In all, I have never played so many roles in another person’s life before.
TC is happy with our relationship and is content to let it play out. I, on the other hand, impetuous, a desire to move things forward in my own life, wildly swing, hoping to hit one over the fence. TC, lacking the emotional maturity & depth, but guided by some instinctive sense, doesn’t know yet how to fully manage my intricate series of knobs and levers. But perhaps he does, I just don’t know it yet.
He’s off to Europe. I’m off to new job. We will circle back by the end of September. It seems such a long ways away.