Both my therapist and William urge me to focus on my fears on "coming out" and getting on with my life. As I started to think, I was overcome with 1000 different fears, but I applied my business logic and said there should be no more than 10 things that I truly fear and realistically, if I really think about it, no more than 5. So here it is (subject to change).
1. Maybe I’m not gay.
I’ve not held back in this blog and re-reading it I’m thinking, "Dude, you took the express train to Gaytown". But the realities there are so many things I simply don’t relate to in the gay world. Call it homophobia, call it I’m too freaking old, call it repressed, call it whatever, but I don’t wake up every morning wishing some guy was next to me.
2. Fear of being lonely.
I’ve been alone before in a new city and struggling to find friends and a life. I can handle it. The realities 99.9% of the people I meet, I have no desire to meet again, I’m picky. I’m getting older, I don’t have a desire to be alone late in my life. But I’d rather be alone than with someone I’m not 100% compatible with.
3. Fear of severely impacting the people I love.
Perhaps this should be #1 on my list, my kids are starting to be teenagers, a tough time period. While no doubt, they want Dad to be happy and I have my own need to be happy. As a parent, I have an obligation to launch my kids out into the world as best equipped as possible. My parents got divorced when I was 10, they worked hard & amicably to continuing parenting, but I suffered. No gay guy can help me here, no matter how sensitive or intelligent they are, they simply don’t have kids, so they don’t know.
4. Fear of giving up love and companionship to get sex.
Do I love my wife? Is she my best friend? Yes indeed. Is there romantic love? No. Do I still get turned on by her? Yes. Do I think a guy could turn me on more often? Yes. You never get 100% of what you want in life. Right now I’d say I’ve got 90%, ain’t that good enough? So filling one unfulfilled box (sex) and perhaps draining two other boxes (love and companionship) may not be a good trade off.
5. Fear of giving up love and companionship.
So you’re saying how is this different than #4. I see a lot of straight couples that frankly, don’t appear so happy to me. Controlling wives, dick head husbands, so why do they stay together? I’m, of course, not seeing their whole relationship. But I think a lot of folks stay because they’re simply scared. Better what you know than what you don’t. I’ve got great love and companionship, I’m pretty lucky in that regard. I hung on to my first girlfriend, who was a total emotional wreck and sometimes treated me poorly simply because I was scared. I shouldn’t have been.
So now I have my list, the outline is complete, it’s time to begin the real work.