My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Close is not enough

It's hard to imagine that it is now over a year ago I spotted Tiger Cub standing at the Dusseldorf Germany Airport baggage claim on a Sunday morning, hung over and disheveled. Who would have imagined that a week later I would see him again, be living with him 90 days later and now a year later still going strong. I'm one lucky Mofo.

Image373TC is yelping on the phone, I've been hedging about our relationship, setting up potentials for an out and he's not happy about that. He's in Toronto, me in Washington, DC. There is a whole side of me that TC doesn't know, but he also knows a side I rarely let anyone know. It scares me how much I have revealed. We've seen each other's darkest and brightest side, we're good complements. I, the more sensible one, he the more sensitive side. We bicker and squabble like an old married couple, romp around like two kids and stick together like high school flames. He's my brown cub and I love him and he loves me. Our story continues, full stop, a committment, a promise, an emotion.

But 2009 has to be about coming together. I wanna get ahead of the game and the sooner I can collapse my world's the better. Family, friends, work, the world — all need to know about me, Tiger Cub, my life, situation or however you wish to define it. I could give a rat's ass if you don't like it. This being closeted, "out" to a select few or some other dribble seems like a cop out, a life less lived.

I'm not necessarily advocating wearing one's sexuality on your arm, but not shrug from it either. A lot of guys seem scared to admit it or even go to lengths to hide themselves. I'm in that stage today and it's not good. Not good at all. I have to push myself. If TC is my partner, someone I trust and value, then he is a part of my life for all to see.

People will accept you as you are, I think, if you accept yourself. So like a bad golf game, I'm playing against myself, which I hate doing and losing to yourself is even worse, but I will play the round and I will try not to lose.

4 Comments

  1. Chris,
    The more we hid ourselves the more we “marganilize” ourselves. It’s a good realization you’ve come to.
    Now the part of TC knowing a side of you that few know, if you are afraid to become “vulnerable” then you slow or possibly stop the process of moving forward in your relationship (of course I’m sure you’re already aware of this).
    Mark

  2. I just want to say how much I have enjoyed reading your blog. I appreciate you honesty so much and you have made me think about some things in a new light. I hope things work out for you and Toronto Chris. I just hope one day I can find my soul mate too. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading.
    Shel

  3. Chris: Now almost 7 years ago, I was a married man with 3 grown children, out to no one. Today, divorced, partnered for 4 years to a wonderful man, and out to all, still with 3 children, just who know the real me, and are fine with it. A major journey with its ups and downs, but well worth the trip. I often joke I must be the most “out” gay man there is – but it feels good. I just got tired of worrying about hiding the pronouns when speaking of my life. And ultimately, you do come to the point where you can truly deal with the fact that some will get you, and others won’t. Their loss. Your life has compensations that make up for those losses on your side, not the least of which is being true to yourself.
    Continue to move down that road!

  4. Kristoferos:
    The biggest step is making the final decision as to what it is you really want, and you sure seem to be there already.
    Everything else, no matter how painful in the moment, follows on from that. If you know what you want in a new life, the death of the old will in time make way for what you need.
    Don’t give up hope.
    T@C

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