My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Checklist

Looking back at the past year, there were some lessons to be learned. So if you’re some married guy, wife and kiddies, little house in the burbs and found yourself shagging some dude some morning at the Sheraton Airport in Des Moines thinking, “gee I could be gay”. Let me pass along these valuable tips.

1. Get help – it’s tough to figure this out alone, get a therapist, my biggest recommendation! If you get a bad one, get another one. Your friends can only carry you so far, you’re gonna need a professional on this mission. Ask for medication early (can’t hurt).

2. Be honest – I dribbled the truth out to my wife in the course of several weeks, bad idea, like ripping a band-aid off, you need to do it all at once, she’s gonna have questions, lots of them, and you’re going to have to answer them. So plan on telling everything, to the extent possible, all at once. It’s painful, but better to have the pain in a single sitting.

3. Don’t use the truth as a weapon – in answering questions try and refrain from phrases like, “God he was soo hot” or “I’d never seen a dick that big in my life”. Answer your wife’s questions honestly, but you don’t need to give full color commentary. They’re going to ask that sort of detail, they just don’t really need or want to know despite what they think. Be honest, but to a point.

4. Be honest with yourself – this is a hard one and if you’re semi-intelligent even worse, because you’re going to try and rationalize all kinds of things about yourself. Listening to yourself is damn hard. Hold the mirror up and allow yourself time to see you.

5. Hope for the best, prepare for the worse – my wife was great, almost supportive. Yours may not be. In disclosing this, you may find your clothes in the street and her yielding a butcher knife as you run down the street with her lawyer ringing your cell phone to drain your bank account. Think about what she may do and have a plan and a back-up plan to that.

6. Allow yourself time – everything works out in the end, so allow yourself some time to figure things out, it’s not all going to happen in a week. On the other hand, dwelling on this for years isn’t productive either. Life is too short, everyone’s book ends the same way, you’re dead. So set a time schedule and get on with it.

7. Your friends are still there – the friends I told my story to were all very supportive. If you give them a chance, they’ll rally around you, you’re going to run into the wrong sorts along this rocky path so it’s best to have a few familiar faces with you.

8. Alcohol isn’t your friend – I didn’t venture too far down this road, but I could clearly hear the Siren’s song. Be careful with booze, it can make you more depressed. Illicit drugs on the other hand, I recommend you take liberally.

9. Your journey will be different – I kept looking for a model, a one size fits all. The reality, everyone is different and you’re creating a custom floor plan. Be comfortable that your decisions are your own and only you need be happy with them.

10. Keep a sense of humor & stay fit – the antics of gay guys is truly amusing if you step back far enough, I find myself chuckling as I write this blog, it helps defuse tension and keeps things in prospective. Laugh, because life is indeed funny. On the health front, I work out 5x a week, I’m at 15% body fat, weigh what I did when I was in my mid-20’s — exercise keep the stress off me and made me feel good about myself, now is NOT the time to develop a relationship with the counter guy at Dunkin Donuts.

Hope this is helpful.

4 Comments

  1. Just a quick note to say that I’m really enjoying your blog.
    I’m in a very similar situation and your Checklist post is dead on. Therapy is absolutely crucial during this period.
    I applaud anyone who is courageous enough to go through this difficult time with honesty.
    It’s certainly not easy but a better life for ALL involved CAN be accomplished.
    Have you seen the current issue of NEW YORK magazine concerning married guys and CRAIGSLIST?
    Very destructive and Very sad.
    Keep writing!

  2. If only we had known all this BEFORE it all started.
    Hindsight is 20/20.

  3. Hello. Enjoyed reading your story so far. I have not yet registered, but will soon. I was curious how your 2 kids, sons? daughters? are coping with your new life. Was your wife completely suprised, or did she have some idea before you told her. I am still married, even though I came clean with my wife. You are right, better to be honest and put it all out there. I’ll be back to read more, -Derec.

  4. Your article is written well, it is worth learning, I have tagged your blog.

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