My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Cat’s eyes

TC is under the sofa, he is not growling, I can see the glow of his eyes, but he won’t come out. It would seem my posting with notes from a reader yesterday have sent him to his hiding place. He won’t take my periodic calls, so  I resort to power calling on multiple lines at the same time. He answers with silence.

The truth is a very powerful weapon. Just witness how the US government is reacting to the WikiLeaks. There is no protection from the truth. It is often embarrassing. But the real sting of the truth is that it hurts deep down. I’m not scared of the truth. I want it for myself. I don’t want to build my house on a bad foundation.

My reader upset me as well. I sent it to my wife to ask for her comments. She responded in a very measured tone. Someone else can’t decide what’s best for you, no matter how close you are to them.

What I know is that gay relationships are extremely complex, fundamentally you are generally starting with two emotionally bruised people, fueled with excessive sexual energy and trying to pair them up in a world that is not accepting of what they are trying to accomplish. Their attempts are often cheered on by equally fucked up homo friends who secretly don’t want you to leave the circus fold. Misery loves company. Throw in a healthy measure of “it’s all about me” spice and no big surprise homos can’t keep the car between the ditches.

I was happy rolling along with love, sex & companionship as my guide, everything in the world is powered by 3’s. My reader didn’t like that and wanted to insert the “personal compatibility” element (he should help write legislature as well). Just what I need, as if it’s not complicated enough, let’s make it more complicated (I think he was German).

I married the perfect girl. Very pretty, hip, cool, stylish, entertaining, interesting, cultured, great mom, loving wife. It’s a long list and they are tough boots for someone else to fill. But those adjectives also describe TC. I wouldn’t hesitate to bring him into any situation.

TC has a wider range of emotions than my wife. I spend a fair amount of time talking him down out of his tree. He is a quick boil to my even temperament. But it works in the other direction as well, TC can turn his love light on which warms me to the depths of my soul. He’s also 27, a homo, the baby of the family, he lacks the maturity I sometimes want and his artistic mind rumbles my practical mentality. I do admit he’s grown up since we first met, but he still often wants to defy logic.

At the very core of all of this is a strong love we have for each other. It’s a beacon through the fog of daily life and daily troubles. I realize I often might give you the impression I’m out ‘playing the field’ but I’m very much dedicated to our relationship. He is as well. We both find some incredible happiness when we’re together.

Last February, we were at the Hotel La Chat Noir in Paris. He was leaving for the ship job. I left him at the hotel. Missed my flight and came back to the hotel. TC looked awful. He had cried from the minute I’d left. He was so happy to see me (as was I). He cried some more. It was at this point that our relationship was cemented. We realized then that no matter what, we were staying together.

The odds for gay relationships are never good. Queers always looking for what is not available to them.I am hoping it is our mutual understanding of this reality along with a foundation of love that will hopefully power us the distance we want.


  1. The questions the Reader asks are the right ones, I fear.

    You can reach different answers from the reader who (presumably) does not have all the facts. But if the answers to these questions lead you to conclude that there are significant differences in the things that add up to “personal compatibility” (and i like the Reader’s list of things to which I would add money) then you’re gonna find out about these as soon as you and TC live together properly as a couple. Your blog already suggests some answers…and as you say you can’t hide from the truth.

    It’s obvious that you both love each other but if love and mutual understanding could “power [you] the distance [you] want” then gay men like you would have had no issues with being in a traditional marriage to a straight woman. But you did.

    Compatibility matters in sex and in life.

  2. Only you and him can work out your relationship. Who the fuck cares what others think. If you are happy…and he’s happy. That is all that matters. Enjoy it:) I hope you guys work out. I need a relationship that works..even if it is not my own!

  3. Chris: Very heartfelt post without the usual snarkiness, I agree with SG, you don’t need others to validate your relationship. yes it will take work, as all relationships require. If you weren’t already compatible to some degree, you wouldn’t be in this relationship. Is it perfect? No, you could spend your whole life seeking perfection and still not find it, and what would that get you? The same disappointment in the end and without the fun times in between.

  4. Of course, no one on the outside of your relationship can possibly know all the facts, feelings, issues. Only the two of you can. So, if it works for you both, then it’s good.

    However, Chris, you really need to think about the homophobia you project. You’ll feel so much better if you stop thinking of yourself as belonging to a group of damaged misfits. I disagree with you completely – the homo world has all the same pieces, persons, issues as the str8 world. There are nuts in each, walking wounded in each, and people who don’t have the first clue about how to bond with another person in each. I speak as a previously married man that has been out for almost 8 years and is in a very loving, marriage like, relationship with a man 20 years my junior for the last 6 years. And I know plenty others locally like us (well maybe not the 20 year age difference!).

    Regardless of my occasional “I don’t agree with you, Chris,” I wish you well and hope you continue to grow and prosper, and have a great holiday season!!

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