My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Can you make choo choo noises?

Early on in my Dupont Circle discovery period, I found entire circles of married guys living on the down low. A bit of fun, then home to their wives and kiddies. They continue to live a facade of straight life. I found it all quite immoral. Later, I found married guys who were out and clearly homo, but still living at home trying to maintain a family life. They had all sorts of excuses, reasons and explanations. Many of them have boyfriends (who sometimes are married themselves).

2ui9nbn Some gay guys are cool with it, others think these guys are cheating the system. Whatever. I'm playing golf and the only competition is myself. So I won't judge what other people do. Each person's situation is different.

After telling Steve (a straight business colleague) an abridged version of this story, he ended the evening by telling me, "Chris – you're dealing with a lot of stuff, but you're doing the right thing, you are being honest with yourself and in a few years I see you a lot happier."

The reality is I am happier. Yes things are still quite complicated. But I do see light at the end of the tunnel (just hope it isn't a freight train). William, my black friend with beautiful sparkling eyes, reads this blog and is no doubt in disbelief at where I am. He and his band of assorted fruits bet I'd fall into the married guy on the down low bucket.

But I didn't. Neither should you. Buck the odds. Get on with YOUR f*cking life and stop being a pussy.


  1. Hi, Chris:
    My experience was the same – when I was first coming out, I met many married men who wanted to continue the facade, but wanted a down low life. And I participated in it for about 3 months before I realized I was losing all respect for myself. So I came out to my wife, we dealt with it, divorced and here I am 6 years later, partnered for 4 years, even with my college age son living with us, and happy every day that I am who I am. You’re on the right path.

  2. Yeah so I’m a pussy.
    And not sure I can do it. I have been the married guy on the DL for the last 3 years. But about a week ago my wife saw the sites on the computer.
    So this has provided an opening. I don’t have the courage yet to deal with it though. But I may be getting there.
    It seems like it was easy for you and Gary to make that step. I think you are unusual in that respect.

  3. John – Not an easy step, and I should probably have been a bit less strident in my reply – I recognize also not something everyone can or will do. But all I can tell you is the effort and issues were worth, as Chris puts it, the Journey Out. Good luck in whatever you do – seems like you’re in a place that you’re going to have to do something. When caught as you’ve been, you can try and bluster your way out of it, but they really know already.

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