Early on in my Dupont Circle discovery period, I found entire circles of married guys living on the down low. A bit of fun, then home to their wives and kiddies. They continue to live a facade of straight life. I found it all quite immoral. Later, I found married guys who were out and clearly homo, but still living at home trying to maintain a family life. They had all sorts of excuses, reasons and explanations. Many of them have boyfriends (who sometimes are married themselves).
Some gay guys are cool with it, others think these guys are cheating the system. Whatever. I'm playing golf and the only competition is myself. So I won't judge what other people do. Each person's situation is different.
After telling Steve (a straight business colleague) an abridged version of this story, he ended the evening by telling me, "Chris – you're dealing with a lot of stuff, but you're doing the right thing, you are being honest with yourself and in a few years I see you a lot happier."
The reality is I am happier. Yes things are still quite complicated. But I do see light at the end of the tunnel (just hope it isn't a freight train). William, my black friend with beautiful sparkling eyes, reads this blog and is no doubt in disbelief at where I am. He and his band of assorted fruits bet I'd fall into the married guy on the down low bucket.
But I didn't. Neither should you. Buck the odds. Get on with YOUR f*cking life and stop being a pussy.