I’m closing in on a London flat. TC and I talking at dinner last night. Couple of drinks into us. I want “more” from him emotionally. I know he’s young, but I want him to be all grown up sometimes. The good news is we talk, there are no hidden emotions between us. But why can’t I get what I want now?
He blasts me that he’s making a big decision moving in with me. I’m still married and have a ton of other sh*t going on. He’s keeping some emotional distance, things could get ugly fast and then where would he be. For the first time, he plays the age card. 20+ years of difference and I’m a handful to deal with on a good day and today I’m carrying extra baggage.
Despite all this he wants to go ahead. “Just let things happen at their own pace, we’ll figure it out”. Probably the best advice I’ve had.
In the last months via this blog, I’ve meet a number of guys in similar predicaments. Wives, kids, nice lives, but have repeatly driven off the reservation. I don’t want to this whole gay thing. I don’t want to disrupt by life. I don’t resonate with the gay community. I don’t wanna slut around.
But TC and I all wrapped around each other, nice and toasty in a dark London hotel room, well need I say more.
The thing is you can’t have it both ways. If you’re on this journey, there’s a gray zone, there’s no bypassing it, so just accept it, it’s a period you’re going to go thru. But you can’t live in the gray zone and you shouldn’t dwell here for long.
Meeting people who’ve spent years in the gray zone, not sure who they really are, sneaking around in the dark alleyways of life. It takes a toll. They’re neither fish nor fowl. It’s not a pretty sight.
So step up to the plate, do the right thing, keep your eye on the ball and swing when it feels right.