My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Are you looking for answers or more questions?

Edith Wharton said, “If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.”  Almost every gay guy I meet has his heart pinned to the outside of his jacket. Each of them have some tale, most of which would make a good storyboard for a TV pilot.

I want to exit the gay freeway on a regular basis. But I can’t. Because there is no exit. Not even a Wendy’s with a 24 hr drive thru. Some of the previously married guys now gone homo that I’ve met have done well because, well they were big freaking queens all along, mostly fooling no one and no one was particularly shocked, surprised or even that interested when they had their “moment of coming out”. Those were the lucky ones.

I struggle because I am normally a very transparent person. I wasn’t some prism that has multiple sides. I found that “telling it like it is” was the best course of action, though not always pleasant in the short term. Now I contend with office colleagues trying to introduce me to women in their 30’s. My mother reminding me about my wedding anniversary. Me having to have hushed telephone calls less someone hears Scrappy barking on the line to me on one of his 20 daily calls.

The answer would seem ready. Just stop. But that sort of advice wouldn’t be dissimilar to telling an alcoholic to stop drinking. If all sounds easy if you’re not in the mix master yourself. I’m not roaming about with a support group to back me up. Help me up when I fall. Or deal with whatever collateral fall out occurs. In some sci-fi world, I’d like to run some future simulation, see how it goes, mark spots to avoid.

I know I have many lurker readers. I guess many of them found the blog looking for answers as relates to their own situation. I’m left wondering how many of them disappear beneath the waves, content to have business trip illicit hook-ups, maybe a regular FB in town, or simply stew in their own juices and pretend to pray the gay away.

For folks like Scrappy, never having or desired to “be” with a woman, there was perhaps more drama than trama. Or maybe the cute university student who basically got date raped a couple of times by overly horny Sally Smith. He did it but didn’t necessarily enjoy it. I’m talking about people like you and I.

It’s late in the 4th quarter, the clock is running out and we’ve decided to switch teams. Lord have mercy on us all.

 

6 Comments

  1. The formerly straight guys who come out and go all Queen are the worst. I have a family that I’m committed to. I spent several years evaluating my options. I’m probably more gay than straight I suppose, but much prefer the straight life. I’ll settle for a few more years of business trip hook-ups and the rare FB in town, until I’m too old for any of the gays/bi’s to want my saggy old body. Hopefully, I will still have my family at that point. I can’t survive alone and the only thing worse than being alone is being alone, gay and old. Grindr is the most depressing community on earth.

    I appreciate your thoughts and the quality of your writing. Thanks, Anthony

  2. Well – BYOB to this pity party – & don’t forget to being the cheese for all this wine. OMG – Sorry – but YOU of all people….PLEASE.!!!

    Clean up your mess – you’re closer than you realize to not succuming to all this & living a more open life – having done it for the most part over the last year & half and out to dam near half my community – I can tell you its the other part of living out of the closet – your half step out of the closet is more stress than just riping the bandage off in one foul movement….

    Now – take care of yourself…..!!!

  3. I am not in your shoes but I feel your pain. Or angst, whatever you prefer. Having read your entire blog and not being in your position, I really have no advice to offer. Aside from the fact that offering advice to people whose lives you don’t know is sort of futile anyway. It totally sucks that something as innocent and inevitable as sexual preference should get loaded with all this crap.

    One thing I do know is that once you’ve identified your problem, and now you’ve identified two, this and your previous post, you will figure out a way to deal with it. I expect your solution will be elegant, straightforward and fair.

    Hang in there.

  4. Chris, as usual, I am willing to offer my advice, whether desired or not! (I guess you have the power to delete comments, though!) And I have to echo Nick’s comments.

    You find yourself in an unpleasant situation because you are unwilling to finish what you started. Secrets, and lies, and whispers — all this is because you still fear the judgment of those around you.

    I don’t pretend to say it’s easy. And I had my share of the secrets and lies and whispers when my trip began. But pretty much as soon as I firmly came to the conclusion that I needed to live my life as a gay man, which is what I was and ultimately what I had always been, I decided the only way to do it with any dignity was in the light of day. The end result? I lost some friends, gained some new ones, but my family, my kids, my ex-wife, and almost all of those closest to me are still part of my life and accepting of who I am.

    And, finally, as to Anthony’s comments, to have sex with men on the sly and then make judgment on gay men as queens and call the gay community depressing – it’s a bit of an oxymoron.

    As always, good luck, Chris, hope you finish what you started and just deal with the consequences. It’s far better than this half world you are living in.

  5. You are the gayest man I know…needy, bitchy, mean….make people cry…be good:0

  6. A follow up to Gary’s comment – he is so correct, living the fully-out life is so much better than a half-in-half-out exsistance you’re stuck in…I had my “sign-off” last meeting with our family councelor yesterday & it was reiterated that everything is back in balance now, the family are find, the friends that stayed are fine, the community are fine & thus I’m now allowed to be fine…you owe this to yourself & the sooner the better ….

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