In the last 15 years, I’ve never talked to my wife about sex, only in the last year has it become a topic of discussion. I’ve now learned my wife is more of sexual creature than I had imagined. Earlier we’d never talked about what our sexual hot buttons were. With my Southern upbringing, sex was a taboo subject, hussed whispers and snickers. I wasn’t comfortable.
Of course, having sex sometimes only a handful of times per year should have been a warning sign to both us. But since we were content on other fronts, we let it slide, compromise is necessary in any long term relationship. Probably a bad idea, a ticking time bomb.
This summer I’d meet a mid-30’s Asian professional guy. He was broken up because he’d caught his 5-year partner cheating on him. He disclosed he was the “bottom” in the relationship (I love how this is so important to know your position in life) and somewhere along the way his partner had decided he wanted to be a “bottom” too and jad found a new love interest. As he’s explaining this, I’m thinking well why didn’t you just flip him over and f*ck him? What’s the big deal?
Similar to my own situation, I guess they didn’t talk openly about their sexual needs and desires. Yet, those desires found an outlet and had the consequence of contributing to the destruction of their relationship. Same in my case.
Clearly trust and intimacy are factors. If I tell you (my partner) I want to be tied up during sex and you make fun of me for it. Well, I’m not going to tell you anything else and you’ve likely driven the first nail into the end of our relationship. If you’re making fun of my desires, things that make me happy, you probably got your own desires that are repressed as well.
If I’ve learned anything from this disaster. Sex is important to a relationship. Never use sex as a weapon or a treat and talk to your partner about what turns them on and be open to it. Tiger sometimes needs a new ball in his cage.