I see you. Yes you! The one with IP address 76.189.xxx.xxx on a Roadrunner subnet, somewhere outside of Wichita, Kansas. What are you doing? You visit here every day at ~ 6 a.m.. Reading me before the wife & kiddies get up? Kiss them good bye and off to work you go. What do you want?

God, I hope if you’re married and “sniffing” about you can learn something from my experiences and hopefully not paint yourself into this corner I’m  in. Today is rewind day, things I would and wouldn’t do again if I could hit that magical button.

Number 1: I wish I had safely explored more on the Internet. I only later found a number of blogs on the coming out issues. This was helpful in my own thinking. I’ve written a number of the bloggers (young n’ old) and pleasantly surprised at the warm responses. You’ve got friends out here in cyberspace, people who are in the same boat you are, and while you won’t have a hot chocolate with them at your corner Starbucks, you can learn from them.

Number 2: I wish I were a better liar. I can’t keep a secret to save my life including my own. I told my wife this the other night. I travel a bunch, it would have been no problem to find dudes in the major world cities I travel to. I could have had an entire ring of them going. But noooooooo … I had to be honest with my wife, get in trouble on my home turf and then like a cat drop my nightly catch on the doorstep for her to “admire”. Stupid.

Number 3: I wish I’d had a clear idea of what I wanted and communicated that up front to guys I’d met. “Hi. I’m Chris. I’m decent looking, fun, caring & happily married. I’m looking for a nice guy for a discrete relationship, like to do things together and not simply  a f*ckbuddy.” I would have had 200 guys in queue.

The thing I realized a lot of gay guys aren’t looking for a relationship, they’ve got their little friends and fag hags to hang with, but they are looking for something beyond a random hook-up to satisfy themselves.  A guy whose not in their hair all the time. Meet Chris — the perfect gift!

Number 4: I wouldn’t have agonized about gay guy behaviour. Like that Mars commercial, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. Gay induces new stresses and each person deals with it differently. I’m a bit nutty in my own way. We all are. I have low tolerance for BS in my business & personal life, yet I tolerated all kinds of crap in the gay world. Don’t. Not worth it. Move on. Discard faster. Fold faster. If it smells bad, don’t eat it.

Number 5: I would have given more consideration to the impacts to my wife. I am arrogant and self centered, with an ego so large you probably live it and just don’t know it. An those are just my good qualities. It’s one thing to inflict pain on yourself, doing it to someone who loves you is another. I should have hit the pause button on many things in the last 2 years and thought a bit more.

You are where you are. So I’m going to have to sit here and let the paint dry before I can leave the room. You don’t.

Oh and 76.189.xxx.xxx, thanks for reading and for letting me use you as an example.