My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

This too shall pass

I was hoping that holiday season might pass with no drama. I was also hoping to wake up and find this new snackie toy next to me this morning. But no, Avan Jogia is not gay though he is Canadian, O’Canada my favorite shopping center!!! No, no from up high in the tree, hidden amongst the leaves, a deep low pitched growl rumbled from TC.

He is growling at me for not providing him the security that he needs. He wants us to buy an apartment in Toronto together or rather me to make a down payment or partial down payment or something to that effect. The details of how mortgages work or more importantly how banks make loan decisions is not something he can be bothered with. The story continues with him worried about investing so much time into an old man (that would be me) and then left with nothing. My carcass picked cleaned by my wife and kids.  The conversation wanders from there.

Welcome to the gayborhood! It is here you see the struggle of gay relationships. There is never equality and never a desire to give up any ground. The closest analogy I can think would be a divorced man with kids who gets a new girlfriend but never gets remarried.  How does the girlfriend feel about the relationship? Not solid, right?

My current reading of “Velvet Rage” is clearly not a good bedtime story for me. I laid awake for over an hour thinking. OMG WTF have I done. The author basically concluded that gays and particularly gay man, are horrible long term partners. He carefully starts with how most gay men by the time they’re in their 30’s have a thick skin from having their heart broken (Single Guy!!!) multiple times and adopt some missile defense system as a way of coping.  Throw in a touch of spice by struggling at some level with their sexuality and add a mirepoix of lacking real commitment and voila, you have unhappy single gay guy with a fag hag with the occasional random hookup.

The Velvet Rage author offers up Stage 3 of gayness, whereby you finally accept yourself and the community and get on with your life. From most of the examples he cites, this seems to happen about 2 years before you die. Now you know why I don’t sleep.

Back to TC (btw Avan and TC are quite similar looking, though a shade darker and 10 years older, time for a new car perhaps????), it is these trying times that test me seamanship. Steady as she goes. I know what he wants and he’s actually getting it, but it’s the future we all fear. A future of uncertainty, the general hesitation to rely on someone else in the ever shaky dynamics of effectively any relationship that is outside of the normal patterns that society follows.

I’m staying the course.

4 Comments

  1. Chris: Do you resent TC for wanting a secure relationship with you? No, right? So maybe buying him a place is an extreme expression of commitment, but there’s other actions you can take to steady and secure the relationship. What ever happened to “The Plan” to be be together? Get that going and things should fall into place. On a side note, Single Guy is not yet so jaded, he’s still looking for that right guy to be in a relationship with.

  2. Please get yourself a copy of Ten Things Gay Men can do to Find Real Love, by Joe Kort. ASAP! I’ve read Velvet Rage and found it interesting with some good points, but I also don’t believe it is the whole story. Especially for those of us that have been in long term relationships defined for us by society. TC is looking for it, so in finding you he has a chance to learn the ins and outs. You however, have some work to do on yourself too, look up Joe on line.

    best

  3. Chris, I read and re- read this post. It’s sad post. Who can blame TC for wanting the security of his own place? We all want stability, security and a place to call home. I see the love, the hope, optimism and uplifting joy in your connection with TC. I hope that I will find something like this one day. But the reality is that you can’t possibly provide this. You have two sons who will look to you for financial support through school,and if you value your relationship with them – as you do- then you must set aside what you can for them. On top of this, you have given up your apartment in DC for a “box” near Dulles (as you put it), despite concerns that you ay be lonely. But it has enabled you to afford a flight at least once a month to Toronto. So TC may not see the reality of the situation but you can’t provide for him in that way. How can you? The blog title suggests you see this too. So enjoy the moment, and the happiness and pleasure you have for the moment. Who knows what life brings. Your blog shines a light on this for us, and now I hope I hold the mirror up to reflect your wisdom back to you.

    Nick

  4. Yes. THat sounds about right…I think I could have written that book !

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