My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Getting help

You’re in the midst of a crisis, who do you turn to for help? Same here. I battled with myself for months and reality is you’re going to need reinforcements for this. The question is who?

Normally, you might turn to your wife, whose been your life partner, your best friend — well no great surprise this probably isn’t going to work. You can turn to friends, but friends have their own problems and my experience they want to ‘give’ you advice, rather than help you figure out what you want to do. Friends also aren’t likely to have the time or patience to deal with this for the months it’s likely going to take.

That’s a key point – you need to figure out what you want to do yourself. You don’t need advice. You just need help finding your own way. I’m not religious, but some have turned to their church with varying degrees of success,

The reality is you need a trained professional to help you. Someone who has seen this movie before and helped others. That means a trained and experienced therapist.

I know what you’re saying, “I’m not crazy (yet)” and for men, it’s an admission of weakness. But you need help and you need it now. If you’re in a major city, odds are good there is a therapist that specializes in helping the gay community. You will learn soon enough most in the gay community are pretty screwed up (you will join these ranks).

In my own case, I quite literally went to therapists.psychologytoday.com punched in my zip code and found a gay therapist. I was such a chicken shit, I booked the first appointment via email. Therapy may be covered by your medical insurance or you may simply pay it out of pocket. While not terribly inexpensive, you’re buying someone’s else time. If you a ‘cheap bastard’ this is the single point in your life where you’re gonna have to let go. Your health depends on it.

NOTE: Many therapist will offer you a 1x time visit at no charge, this is a good way to see if there is a personality fit.

What to expect in therapy
Therapy is a bit scary at first. You’re sitting a nice living room type setting with someone you’re paying to basically listen to you and ask questions. It took me almost the duration of the first session to get my issue out of the table. You’ll have the same problem. Relax, you’ll get thru this. Remember they are not trying to judge you, give you quick answers or make your life more miserable than it already is. They are there to help you.

The topic of each session is of your own choosing but the therapist will try to guide you in exploring your thoughts by asking you hard questions. Often the real value is the homework you get later thinking about “why did I answer like that”.

The BAD therapist
A therapist is not there to judge you, nor give you off the cuff advice, they’re not going to be a personal friend or adviser. You should look forward to seeing your therapist. If you’re not — that’s a bad sign. Most people actually go thru several therapists before settling on one they like. Yes, you must like your therapist, if you don’t then it’s time to move on. Similarly, if your therapist is trying to tell you what to do, that’s not a good sign either. You shouldn’t feel any pressure to do anything. The pressure will come from you internally.

I was lucky with my first gay therapist, he was a great middle aged guy who I enjoyed talking to and with. The marriage counselor that he recommended for my wife and I was a total bitch, couldn’t stand her, but the in some ways she made me confront the issue with my wife.

Stopping therapy
Therapist depend on repeat business because they’re running their own small business. So remember that once you’re a patient, they don’t want you to stop coming. You will never find a therapist who says “you’re all cured, no need to come back”.  But at some point, there will be diminishing returns from seeing a therapist and you’ll need to stop. Often they will want to ween you from once a week sessions to bi-monthly to monthly. IMHO this is purely milk money. When it’s time to stop, stop. Like in Alice in Wonderland, continue on to the end then stop.

Therapy for other family members
Should your wife seek therapy? How about the kids? Depends. The reality is you’re the one whose f*cked up, not them. If they get screwed up because of what you’ve done, well then they might benefit from some type of therapy. In my case, my wife went to therapy once and found it worthless. My kids are fine, couldn’t have cared less.

Summary
You likely are gonna need some help and a therapist is the most neutral way to go. But like all things, there is probably more bad therapists than good ones, so don’t hesitate to shoot one who is not in sync with you.

10 Comments

  1. Started reading your blog today and found it very helpful. As a 46 year old man with a wife and two great kids, I hope to find the courage to come out one day and live the rest of my life being happy with who I am. Looking forward to reading your blog from day one.

  2. 54 yr old man with a wife and no kids..on the cusp of making that leap of faith and trying to live the rest of my life being my true self. Damn is it hard..but good to see someone who has made it through.

  3. I am therapist based in Canada. If you are looking for someone to journey with you in this time of transition, let me know. Ideally, it would be best to see a therapist in person and make sure that you find someone who will, as our blogger pointed out, help you discover those questions that you need to ask yourself, like the poet Rainer Maria Relki admonished. So find someone in your area FIRST. If this is a challenge then perhaps you might consider doing online counseling with me via skype. Perhaps you can contact mytripout@gmail.com for my email address.

  4. I really need to talk to someone. I have been married for 36 years, have been gay since I was 12 and thought getting married would change me. Been hiding my feelings for many years. Had a serious soul searching last year, really torn up. Talked to some divorced gay men at a gay resort in Florida. Had an encounter , the first in almost 40 years. I felt really complete, butI felt ashamed at the same time. I am wanting to end my marriage,to start fresh. I really seek a close relationship with a man. Is it too late for me? Who can I talk to about my situation?

  5. Steve-
    I have been in the EXACT same situation…I have been married since I was 29…and have known something was “different” since I was 12. I have had some issues in my life that caused torment and confusion about my sexuality…from religion, to family, to molestation, and a few other issues…it’s not easy…I can talk from experience. Almost a year ago to this day I told came out to her…because I love her and owe it to her. She had a clue – because of something a sibling said to her a few years ago…I can go into further detail but would rather not online…At any rate – she had her suspicions. When I came out she said “What a relief”…she had known but was not going to leave me…she was going to help me work thru this…which is amazing…she had gone thru her anger and all the other stages several months before…and that’s what kind of set this in motion – things had started to turn south for us…and I HAD to be real…for her…and for me. See – it’s hard when you are a guy – a masculine, straight acting guy and are gay. All of my friends WERE shocked – but you know what – I haven’t lost a ONE of them…they love me FOR ME…and yes – it’s something we all have to work thru – me, you, your wife, my wife, your friends, my friends…but people that are your TRUE friends – they aren’t going to bat an eye. Yes – they might be shocked – but YOU ARE YOU TO THEM…you have established the type of person you are…it’s much more terrifying for the person coming out because it’s SO BIG TO THEM…but most people here the news…and move along as if nothing has changed…and those that have issue – THEY ARE NOT TRUE…and I am so fortunate because I have not felt that…and I was extremely worried because I have some “Redneck” type guy friends…but they like me for ME…It’s terrifying – NO DOUBT…but be true…be true to YOU…BE TRUE TO YOUR WIFE. It will take her time to process – but as my wife told me – true love means you accept the other person and allow them to go if that’s what they need…I admit – I don’t have the normal situation…and you may encounter something totally different…but at some point you HAVE TO BE TRUE. It was A LOT harder to be true years ago…today it is a little easier…it’s more accepted because more people are starting to understand. I probably knew I was gay even younger…will say about 5 because of the molestation…but as I said…it caused confusion because I was masculine…didn’t fit the mold…was feminine or flamboyant…played baseball, soccer, wrestled…If you need to talk more please let me know…IT WILL GET BETTER…and as soon as you are real with you and your wife – the healing will start. It will take time – because you have suppressed this for years….I know – me too…but do it the right way – get some therapy if you need help dealing with it – I know it sure did – and get yourself healthy. I didn’t want to start trying to find someone to date until I was healthy. And see – that’s the other thing…I am not really someone that WANTS to be totally out…in public I want to be me…a normal, masculine guy. Maybe in time I would kiss a guy in public – but I just don’t think it’s me…hope this helps…wishing you the best…

  6. WASN’T FEMININE OR FLAMBOYANT… 🙂

  7. Thankyou very much for sharing your story. Wow, the similarities are amazing. I am masculine as well. And yes, I was molested when I was around the age of 5. For some reason I had felt that it was my fault. I, too, do not want to go totally public. I think that I have found a therapist who can help me. Thank you!!

  8. Again, thank you Alex for sharing. I guess that I really would like to talk some more with you. Right now I need to talk to someone who understands. I just told my brother. He said that I am still his brother, still the same person and that he still loves me. I assume that you are divorced or are in the process? I want to help my wife, but am not certain how? She, too, has known for awhile.

  9. Steve…sorry it has been so long since I have gotten back…send me an email at alexjm0530@gmail.com…let’s chat more…

  10. And by the way…earlier that was NOT fem and flamboyant…but you probably figured that out…we are who we are…and I fault NO ONE for being who they are and want to be…we are all different…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*

© 2017 My Trip Out

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑