My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story


Update 2019: Times have changed. The era of the ‘gay’ bar is behind us. 

More update:  Most cities have seen a decline in gay bars. The reality is Internet apps for hook-ups mean you can’t order online :-).

Gay is now quite trendy and younger people simply don’t care anymore. Girls found gay bars fun and before you know it, everything became metrosexual. All this is good actually.

Looking back, I think it’s much easier in 2019 to be an older ‘out’ reformed straight guy than it was in 2006. I hesitate to think how hard things were in 1996 or dear god 1986 (where people alive then).

This article continue in the original version.

If you were like me, you’ve been doing your little job, home in the suburbs, washing your car, mowing the grass, taking the kids to soccer and bar-be-queing on the deck with other married couples. Life in our little world has been good. Some of us may have even had the token ‘gay’ acquaintance, the stereotypical interior decorator, the ‘camp’ hair stylist or perhaps just “Joe” who has never married with hushed discussions about whether he’s one of them or not. The reality the ‘gay world’ was in another solar system. My images of the gay world were guys wearing leather, nothing at all or so girlie I could just scream.

And now here you are, you big fruit. How you like it so far?

While my rule is never to give individual advice, I’ll give you a general hint. Let me start with an incendiary comment, sure to ruffle the boa feathers of even the more heartless queer. I have never in my life met a group of more seriously f*cked up people than what I’ve seen in the gay community.  The sexual deviants, the emotionally disturbed and just plain old crazy people. Even the folks I thought were semi-normal often had some wacko factor and this is coming from someone (me) who definitely is borderline wacko.

The problem you must understand is that each gay guy has been through their own “Journey Out” and in fact are likely still on the Journey faced with the stark reality that we/us/them may never in fact make it “Out”. This journey it seems is a lifetime in nature. There are guys who are closeted, out to a few, or way f*cking out. Along the way they had to deal with parents, friends, associates, people on the street and in many cases  each person got a slightly different story. Confronting your sexuality is extremely hard and it takes a huge emotional toll.

Some gay guys are quick flaky, like grand ma’s apple pie, others developed a hardened attitude. The reality each guy has had to come up with their own way of dealing with all this and their own individualistic defense system to combat issues or circumstances they don’t want to deal with. The ‘net is insecurity is an epidemic in the gay community.

Now my assessment isn’t totally fair. In fact, now that my eyes are opened, I’ve noted that straight people seem just a tad screwed up themselves. I’d just never really paid much attention to it until now. Couples who are ‘swingers’ , guys who are going to strip clubs, seeing prostitutes, men with deviant sexual appetites. It was all right there in plain sight. Plenty of wack jobs on every corner.

So no, I don’t mean to bash the gay community. With time, I have found some very nice people.  I just want you to be prepared. You are entering this zone not likely in the best emotional shape and perhaps hoping to find the Gay Welcome Wagon ready to greet and comfort you. It won’t.

You will also likely be looking to make new friends and love interests and in this quest you’re gonna (100% certainty) encounter some gay guy whose mission it would seem would be to make you feel bad or play Jedi mind tricks with you. Don’t. Realize it’s not you, but them and you can’t fix their issues, so let it roll off you, water on a duck.

Early on I got my feelings terribly hurt by gay guys with their random comments and signals to me. I’m not jaded (yet) and thankfully I have a big sense of humor so I’ve managed to find it funny now when the ‘gay games’ begin. I don’t enter the sport anymore, but happy to be a spectator.

The good news, the gay community is quite diverse and with a little time and scratching about you will find some part of the community where you’re comfortable. And if not, you can create your own community with the Homeowner’s Association rules you wanna live by. It’s all your choice and decision.


  1. I found this really interesting to read.I am a quiet gay male,age 71,and I do understand there are all kinds of gay men in this world.Just look at me.Smile.

  2. Stumbled upon this blog. This should be required reading for guys coming out. Live in San Francisco, gay central, and spot on. I am coming to terms with it, and realize this is life. I think that it happens more in the gay community, because at least here there is a denial that there is still some work that needs to be done. Walking on a pride float, is the beginning, not the end of coming out. In my late 40’s and still coming out.
    Just dumped the Jedi mind trick guy, ignoring the make me feel bad gays.

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