My Trip Out

Gay married man coming out story

Page 2 of 322

San Francisco Update

I apologize, I was too lame to update the IP address recently and this blog went dark. I’m not putting a lot of care and feeding in to this, but I do know that people discover it, start the beginning, read the whole damn thing and somehow I hope it helps them.

I’m enduring a bit of culture shock in San Francisco. The number of homeless people (all mental ill from what  I can figure) is scary, entire city smells of piss. The lack of any transportation system (buses stop on each corner and it faster to walk than endure a smelly bus filled with homeless people ranting).  My biggest shock is how soft Americans are in this uber liberal city. I may have to become a Republican again. But I digress (again).

Scrap doodle also known as my partner/BF/BFF/live-in has gone by to Canada for the summer and my 21 year old son moved in with me so he could complete a summer internship. I’m living with boxes of stuff and still haven’t fully unpacked. Adding my current job isn’t the most stable and not helping, I hate it anyways. So I came to the city to find a new opportunity and so I shall.

Scrappy and I visited the Castro, and in fairness the city is very gay friendly it’s almost as if it doesn’t matter. But similar to Hong Kong, we don’t hang out in the ‘hood or feel some need to be in close contact with the gay community. Is that bad?

I told Scrappy as we landed in San Francisco, that the tone of our relationship needed to change, it’s time to re-up. It’s hard to believe in 7 years together I’ve never met his family and perhaps he’s not met my family (brother or parents) but he knows my wife & kids. The brown pseudo-Indian culture perhaps makes this difficult. They never ask him a single question about his relationships or how or why he’s in some city. It’s actually their loss isn’t it.

Periodically I will skim the skanky sites and indeed there are married men looking for trouble. I wonder whether they actually follow thru or simply voyeurs. Maybe they just have some dark side they need explore for jollies. I fully understand when men get caught doing something and get asked the obvious question, “why’d you do it”, they have this big dunno face. I don’t think they (we) really know. As long as you’re within the bounds of legal and no one getting hurt I guess you’re fine. The moral compass element perhaps missing, but I’m not a bible thumper, I’m realistic about how the world really works.

So please read, enjoy, laugh, cry but the biggest difference in us from other animals is our ability to think, so try that out every now and again.

On the move .. again

hkHard to believe, I’ve been in Hong Kong for closing on 3 years and it now appears this is coming to an end. So what have I been up to? Glad you asked.

Despite the enticement of cute Asians who seem to have a “thing” for older white guys, I’ve mostly missed all these opportunities namely because Scrappy is still very much with me. Indeed, we’ve assumed a fully married life. Me trying to avoid trouble and him complaining about virtually everything I do (or don’t do). I make a mess. I don’t communicate. I don’t understand his feelings. Usually ending with “we don’t have enough sex.” So I do what other married guys have learned to do .. drink.

I am moving to California. This is a repositioning exercise as I need to get deep into the technology zone again. Asia may have al ot of money, but it’s not the land of start-ups and crazy ass ventures that I love. Scrappy has become a mini-celebrity in the hair styling world here, brown, long haired mini-hippie, girls just love him and ironically the Asian guys like him. I come home at night to find half naked women prancing around or straight guys texting him to go out.

Hong Kong is a 24×7 city and shit is going on all the time in a safe environment. I won’t miss the tropical humidity in the summer but I’ll miss many things. Scrappy ran into a visa issue here at the end and he needs to get out. We both need to get out.

Unfortunately, the US will present another visa challenge for his Canadian brown ass. I’ve offered to get married which would afford him work & residency. But he started barking again about his independence. Sadly, he’s not very independent, mostly dependent on me, but who wants to admit that.

Married is the next logical step. But it means broadening the circle of people in the know. In the years since this blog began, much has changed in the US about attitudes of gay relationships and while I mostly don’t care what others think, I actually do. With marriage, it will be time to move this peg up and be fully out and about. No I don’t know any fucking Katy Perry songs and I can’t decorate your living room so I’m far from the stereotype homo (Scrappy is a better fit). I don’t want to expand the circle of trust but instead, just here is Scrappy, he be my bitch, where be your bitch? And just go back to the conversation.

One of our Spanish employees, a big girly bear, talks so much about his “husband” and how he and his “husband” or this that or the other. It’s tiring, he wears his big bottom ass on his wrist. Great, you’re married to a guy, who cares. And perhaps, who cares indeed is what the homo community has been striving for. It sounds pretty close.

Perhaps, perhaps

oopsGay guys and relationships are like diets, always some sort of scheme and widely varying, but never successful long term. Prof. Tim has been broken up from his BF for the last 3 years and yet to have any relationship more than a couple of dates. He professes he’s interested. But meanwhile, he’s got a little Latino guy who he is doting on in what appears to be a BF situation. Only there is no love and no sex, only companionship. What kind of relationship is this?

Long ago I wrote the biggest thing I got out of therapy is that relationships have 3 legs of the stool: sex, love & companionship (in order you choose). Without these 3 working in unison, you’re really not in a relationship. It’s so simple but the working logic of it makes total sense.

I am troubled because I have all 3 with Scrappy, yet I still find myself somewhat unsatisfied. How is that possible I wonder? While I haven’t done anything, I chat guys up, reading stuff online, all seemingly innocent. But why?

I read about guys who are cheating on their boyfriends (seems to be a common disease), guys now in open relationships either due to lack/type of sex or simply lack of interest. I’ve seen the other partner (the non decided one) in these open relationship, looking for a sex partner for no other reason than because their real partner is off the reservation again.

This is by no means limited to only the gay world. A quick look at Ashley Madison and indeed straight folks are up to go no good as well. But for what purpose, what is the goal here?

Happiness is a state of being, not a destination and the question is does this sort of behavior power our happiness meter? This behavior is dishonest and involves lying (worse case) or keeping secrets (best case). I’m not struggling asking you these questions; I’m struggling as me to address this. The root cause is not self evident.

Perhaps as men we are prone to self destruction. Take something good an fuck it all up (well worn track on this). Perhaps a deep seated urge to have casual non-binding relationships as part of our overall DNA.

While I’m not a religious person, I perhaps are looking for some higher power to just tell me what the right thing to do is? Perhaps.

 

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