Gay guys and relationships are like diets, always some sort of scheme and widely varying, but never successful long term. Prof. Tim has been broken up from his BF for the last 3 years and yet to have any relationship more than a couple of dates. He professes he’s interested. But meanwhile, he’s got a little Latino guy who he is doting on in what appears to be a BF situation. Only there is no love and no sex, only companionship. What kind of relationship is this?
Long ago I wrote the biggest thing I got out of therapy is that relationships have 3 legs of the stool: sex, love & companionship (in order you choose). Without these 3 working in unison, you’re really not in a relationship. It’s so simple but the working logic of it makes total sense.
I am troubled because I have all 3 with Scrappy, yet I still find myself somewhat unsatisfied. How is that possible I wonder? While I haven’t done anything, I chat guys up, reading stuff online, all seemingly innocent. But why?
I read about guys who are cheating on their boyfriends (seems to be a common disease), guys now in open relationships either due to lack/type of sex or simply lack of interest. I’ve seen the other partner (the non decided one) in these open relationship, looking for a sex partner for no other reason than because their real partner is off the reservation again.
This is by no means limited to only the gay world. A quick look at Ashley Madison and indeed straight folks are up to go no good as well. But for what purpose, what is the goal here?
Happiness is a state of being, not a destination and the question is does this sort of behavior power our happiness meter? This behavior is dishonest and involves lying (worse case) or keeping secrets (best case). I’m not struggling asking you these questions; I’m struggling as me to address this. The root cause is not self evident.
Perhaps as men we are prone to self destruction. Take something good an fuck it all up (well worn track on this). Perhaps a deep seated urge to have casual non-binding relationships as part of our overall DNA.
While I’m not a religious person, I perhaps are looking for some higher power to just tell me what the right thing to do is? Perhaps.
I haven’t posted in a while because well, the story has been told. So if you’re new reader, go ahead start back from the beginning, looking at the logs it would seem several times a week some newbie hits this site and 900 clicks later they’ve read the whole story. It’s you, the few readers why I don’t just shutter the blog (as seems to be the trend). You can’t benefit from my experiences if you can’t read about them.
As an update, Scrappy and I are still living together. 6+ years together and a 23 year age difference. He barks. I growl. But we live pretty much like any other married couple does. He talks to my wife and kids regularly and on all these fronts, life is well. Could it be better? Yeah sure. But it could also be worse.
Scrappy gets off his leash periodically and has his nights out, he’s not yet 30 and frankly I’m too old to hang with his younger group of friends. Trying to enjoy a quiet evening of my stuff, he then commences to call ever 25 minutes to ask what I’m doing and gets upset when I get annoyed. Truth be know, he misses me. It’s funny and sweet all at the same time.
He romped home early one night after meeting up with a 36 year old London friend in town and lamented how this guy couldn’t find a boyfriend, talking about his last long term relationship of 3 months and how his dating pattern is something on the order of 3 weeks. Having had the opportunity to catch up on several of my old blogs I used to read, I realized this pattern as well.
I’ve written before but will be more direct. Considering how few homos there are, you’d think the group would be a bit more lenient on each other. I’ve found this species highly insecure, over sexed and due to the general discrimination faced usually show up at your door with all sorts of emotional baggage in tow. On this, you’re supposed to build a solid relationship?
Yeah straight people have issues too, but the layers of short and badly ended relationships stack up after a while against the homos. What I’m saying – it’s hard and this isn’t just a casual observation by me, just read the other blogs.
As a newbie, I tried to change the rules of play and lucky for me, I accidentally got Scrappy, otherwise I’d likely be playing suck-a-cock roulette like so many other gays with a revolving door of relationships. It truly can be that awful for some.
My friend, Prof Tim, recognizing this pattern, has found himself in some odd ball quasi-relationship with this younger guy. Tim plays the senior guy, the younger more submissive. They do everything together and by all appearances act like a couple. Maybe there is love, but there is no sex or physical interaction. Each profess themselves open to dating others, but they really don’t. Odds as it may be, if it works for them so thus who am I to complain.
As Tim is nearing 40, he told me he really needed to get a new relationship because “I’ve only got a 2 or 3 good years left.” With that statement, he confirmed that homos pretty much are retired at 30 and just about dead at 40. I, it would seem, have already turned to dust. You laugh, but it’s so true. But I watch 40 year old straight guys still trying to snag the 20 something set.
My advice (sprinkled in other posts) generically is set your rules, make sure they’re only guidelines though and be open. If you find someone interesting, play it like a fish, take your time, make each other work and keep your dick out of the conversation for as long as physically possible (and I’m not talking hours). If you do manage to land someone, navigate as fast as possible away from the caustic pool of other homos (visit only as necessary to remind you that it’s not so green there). Close your eyes and ears often and pray when all else fails.
I’m passing thru the US on a business trip and my wife is kind of enough to allow me to stay in the guest room and we’ve had a number of pleasant dinners. I’ve been busy on household projects. It’s hard for a woman to maintain a house and being so remote makes it difficult as well.
Her boyfriend of the past years has been eager to meet me for some reason and she announced as I was hot n’ sweaty climbing around on the roof that he was enroute to meet me. I’ve usually found that people who want to meet me (also from this blog) are mostly curiosity seekers trying to put a face to the voice. No doubt my wife has yaked about me and he was thus curious to meet. I’m too busy to be curious anymore about soap opera drama.
There he was a petite much older man than me, though in good physical condition, staring me in the eye, shaking my hand, congratulating me as if he’d just voted for me. Thanking me for taking good care of my family and my wife and asking if he could ever do anything to just let him know. He’s Latino so that’s how they roll. I smiled, engaged in some small talk and sent them out on their ‘date’ for the evening. Stranger than fiction isn’t it? But the story could be much worse now couldn’t it?
In other news, I took the evening to troll thru emails to me via the blog and as always I seem to be the recipient of young men in distress about their coming out or screwed up relationships. I try and be serious in responding (though failure is always an option), usually their answer is embedded in their email to me. I’m in a screwed up relationship, well stop being in it then. I’m scared to come out, well don’t come out then. The hardiest are those who seem quite sincere and worry about whether why they can’t find a real loving relationship.
Gay or straight, we have not only high demands, but we never seem to attain any level of happiness. We find someone, seem to be happy and quickly start to wonder , “is there someone a little bit better than whomever I’m with?”. Well there’s always someone more attractive, more buff, bigger dick, wider pecs, with more money, more personality, more loving, most trustworthy, more more more.
I stumbled into Scrappy pretty early in the game, but I could just as easily be on the treadmaster of dates myself. I fear this often and thus hang on to Scrappy even tighter. eHarmony has found that while opposites attract, it’s actually those who are more like yourself that will lead to longer term success. But when do you close the deal, settle in for the night or do you leave a window open “just in case.”
None of this comforting to any of us. The acid test for me is the level of my happiness box. If the balance of power in any relationship stays in the red zone then it’s time to remember the red zone is for loading and unloading only.